The price is right?

After Covid, it was mooted that football might possibly have been served a dose of reality. The transfers of multiple players this summer serve as a stark reminder that football is still firmly in fantasy land. Haaland (who is, after all just a shit Gary Madine) is the big galumphing tip of a very big, expensive iceberg of transfers.

I don't know if you've noticed, but it's not just footballers who are getting more pricy. Even Aldi doesn't seem quite as good value as it was these days. Money is quite topical. It's a grubby thing for sure, but try doing the weekly shop without it. Foraging is great if you are a trust funded Guardian columnist with a book on 'getting away from it all' to flog but for the rest of us, living off petrol tainted blackberries and bracken soup isn't really an option cos we're too busy spending our wages getting to work to earn the wages to get to work to spend our time gathering and making organic broth. 

In recent weeks I've read about price rises at many clubs (including my own), the ludicrous prices for premium fixtures in the Premier League, such as Fulham's £100 tickets (which are, astonishingly probably aimed at tourists as opposed to Fulham fans) and debated the fact that many clubs have ignored Reading's reciprocal pricing offer in the Championship. It's heartwarming that football clubs are responding to the tightened financial circumstance assailing their supporters by raising the bar for entry.

What strikes me as odd, in all of these cases, is the number of supporters I've seen online who seem to actively want to pay higher prices. The argument generally goes something like this:

- if we want to compete, we need to back the club

This is essentially true in that ticket revenue is a significant income stream, but of course, the higher a team climb in the pyramid, the less true that becomes. The better a team is doing, the less the supporters in the ground actually matter to the club. Roughly half (in some cases more) the income of a lower league club comes from matchday revenue whereas for a top flight side, it's more like 10% of revenue.

Fans also say things like

- Well, it's £20 to watch non-league down the road so £48 with a £17 one off sign up fee to entitle you to buy tickets in the first place is a bargain when you think about it...

Again, we're ignoring the fact that as we get to the top, football clubs get greater and greater subsidy. There's something odd about the way that as more money comes into these clubs from TV, the last thing on the minds of many directors is protecting the ticket prices for supporters who previously kept the clubs afloat when there was little or no TV money. 

It's as if the clubs can't conceptualise that they might not always be at that level - that they might once again rely on the revenue through the turnstiles and it's unlikely that whatever new money they're aiming at with tourist tickets and corporate pricing is going to be flocking to watch a club grubbing around the lower reaches of the pyramid.

- it's just business - supply and demand dictates cost.

Again, yes, this is, of course, on a surface level at least, true, but as this blog has written about at length previously, football doesn't actually resemble a business in any conventional sense.

Football as a whole seems to do absolutely nothing to manage the costs it passes on to its consumers. Imagine supermarkets celebrating that they've struck eye wateringly expensive deals with milk suppliers. Building companies don't fall over each other to pay more for their materials and then triumphantly wave their overspending around and call it ambition do they?

I've no desire to see football run as a pure business. In my mind, it is first and foremost a sport and it is ceding control to business thinking that has left us with a lopsided, distorted and ultimately damaged model of competition where the sport is now secondary to the TV spectacle and ripping fans off and calling it 'an opportunity to display your loyalty' is the order of the day...

We can't, however, have it both ways. It can't both call itself a business and then act as if it's not a business just as Barclays Bank can do a bit of token charity fund raising or virtue signalling but by the nature of its business, is fundamentally not a charity or a moral force, but a bank and thus tied to profit.

The point is this. Most businesses outside of the most elite brands (like say, Rolex or Ferrari) are subject to tremendous pressure from consumers to hold down their prices and get the best possible deals for their supply. Asda, Curry's, Home Bargains etc wouldn't last five minutes if they entered a war with their competitors to overspend.

Football is of course, not Asda or Curry's. I've never had an out of body experience in a branch of Dunelm Mill. I've never chanted till I'm hoarse about Office World. I wouldn't travel across the country on my day off to eat at a new Toby Carvery just to say I've been there...

When Saturday Comes....

Football is not like those things and yet, we've essentially ended up with the worst of both worlds - one in which football as a whole IS run like it is a business and therefore our clubs largely have to accept the shitty financial structures that condemn most of us to a bleak, mid table at best trophyless future of eternal mediocrity and where it also relies heavily on the fact that to fans, it ISNT a business as we have to fund the wild and desperate efforts of our clubs to compete in the face of almost impossible financial barriers. If it was 'a business' then we'd all fuck off to Aldi as Asda took the piss.

As the cost of living bites (and it really is), petrol prices rise, food costs add up, each £30 matchday ticket, each rebranding of a previously standard block into a premium seating area with 'benefits', each hidden service charge, each yearly new shirt (always three a season now as well), each ridiculously priced training top which is essentially some shite you can by from JD sports for £25 quid more than doubled in price cos there's an iron on logo on it, each piece of 'exclusive news' hidden behind a subscription paywall is akin to a slap in the face to someone. It's basically a rich lord of the manner stood at the gates of his private estate shouting "fuck off" to the commoners who paid for it wanting to walk through the grounds they paid for.

That's possibly harsh. Not all club owners are, to use a technical term, irredeemable cunts. Some are even 'alright.' A select few might even make it to 'decent.' The problem is this - individually, clubs can have good intentions but they exist in a collective structure. Individually a club can choose to set whatever prices they want but of course, the price of competition is set by the interplay of competitors. In business, that generally drives prices down, but football has become like Formula One - spending is the key to success to a greater and greater extent, so that competition has the opposite effect on pricing to what it would have in an everyday market. 

The logic of fans is simple. We want to enjoy football. We want our team to win. For some, the game is about the experience, the community, the friendships and that aspect is essential but I suspect for the vast majority of us, even if we subscribe to that, the bottom line is - we're happier when we win and more fed up when we lose. The experience is fundamentally defined by the fact it's competitive. If it wasn't, then we could just meet our mates in the park with some cheap cider and watch pigeons wandering about aimlessly for free. There's a reason why we congregate around football and that's because it's a fucking brilliant game. 

This is the rub. We want to win and so we find ourselves cheerleading price rises and urging our fellow fans to spend, spend, spend because we hope it will make us more competitive whilst at the same time celebrating the game as a binding part of a community. It's something we should reflect upon. Yeah, that extra £5 might be affordable to you, but the lad who stands next to you, or the family who sit below you might not be there next year. 

Give me a 'G.E.N.T.R.I.F.I.C.A.T.I.O.N' 

This is, of course, all driven by excessive spending at the highest levels. The top clubs have essentially become lifestyle brands akin to Rolex. Obscenely expensive products that sit in a totally different category to the things the rest of us buy. 

We're falling over ourselves to embrace this world. Our clubs are like wannabe aspirational brands and we love it. We wet ourselves over the fact that our clubs have business managers, data scientists and elite level facilities -  whilst at the same time there's a foodbank collection outside the gates of the ground. The costs of running a club rise every year. The tins pile up and football collectively doesn't give a flying fuck. Plenty of people individually care, but we've done a spectacularly bad job as a whole of managing the cost of going to games - virtually every stadium in Europe is cheaper than it is to watch a game in the UK. It's cheaper to watch the German top tier than it is to watch some of our non-league teams. 

We might have 'the best league in the world' but it's come with a literal cost and that cost has cascaded down to all of us. In a month where (happily) the woman's game is being celebrated for creating access and a new set of fans, it might be worth stopping and wondering about whether, if it's bad (and it obviously is) that people are cut out of the game because of race, gender and sexuality, isn't it also bad that people's economic circumstances preclude them from being part of the 'football family?' 

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Season Preview 22/23

An introduction

In the last few years, the club has been kind enough to get the transfer business out of the way nice and early. That's been very helpful to me as a blogger as it's given me loads to chat shit about about in preseason. This year, things have been different which has left me hovering over a keyboard, trying to work out how not to say the same things about the same players... 

Various theories have been posited as to why this is - a selection are offered below: 

- We're skint cos... Ben Mansford spent the transfer kitty on expensive looking open necked shirts with very posh looking collars. 
- We're skint cos... Ben Mansford spent the transfer kitty on attachment therapy after some twat in a body warmer who he thought was his BFF walked out on him for a scouse gangster who is best known for falling over at an inopportune moment. 
- We're skint cos... Ben Mansford has had a bit much Chablis when doing big Gaz's new contract and added a couple of zeros by accident. 
- We're skint cos... we've paid so many people to look for and evaluate transfer targets that we've not got any money to actually buy any of them. 
- We're not skint... and we're just taking time to adjust to the new priorities that a new manager and a new style of football brings... 

'An enthralling read. 5 stars'

So far, the signs are that Micky Apples a) won't wear a sleeveless padded jacked and club polo shirt ensemble on the touchline and b) will want to play football. 

Preseason isn't always a great guide to what will happen but we've set up to pass and several times thrown quite a few attacking players on the pitch at once. He's signed a midfielder who, on first viewing, likes to knock it about and attack the goal (Fiorini) and a supposedly footballing centre-half (Williams.) He's also given game time to Yates and Carey in key positions. These are two of the best 'footballers' in the current squad, which suggests he wants players with technique in crucial roles. 

The squad (as it stands): 

I'm looking forward to seeing how this all works. With Anderson, Fiorini, Carey and Bowler (provided he stays, which, if it was up to me, he would) there should be plenty of firepower/creativity coming from deeper or to some extent wide. Connolly adds steel but also isn't averse to a late run into the box or a shot and if Matty Virtue can stay fit, he could be an excellent balance between attacking and defensive midfield. This should also allow Dougall to do what he does best without the pressure of having to also run a game of football. We might even see Kev Stewart once in a while... 

I'm loathe to write off a player, but I'm struggling a bit to see where CJ fits into this system. He's very good at haring away from players, but less good when he's found the space. His technique isn't such that it's easy to visualise him fitting into a one touch pass and move system. I think CJ could probably win an Olympic speed skating medal but he just doesn't use the ball quick enough for the system I can see us playing. I could be wrong - I never thought Madine would fit into Critchball, I though KDH was shit at first. I though Simon Wiles would be the second coming of Stanley Matthews and so on... I hope he shoves this shite down my stupid gobby blogging throat. 

I've liked what I've seen of Rob Apter - his directness and ability to deliver a fizzing ball shouldn't be undervalued in a squad who last year couldn't cross to save its collective life. He's clearly got stuff to add to his game and I'm not quite on the 'play him at full back' hype train but like Carey last season, my impression of him in preseason is that he doesn't look at all apprehensive about playing with the big boys and that they seem perfectly happy to give him the ball. Sometimes you see youth players being nursed through the game but that's not been the case. I'm not sure he's ready to be thrown in at the deep end immediately but I think he's a player to definitely keep about the squad. Sooner or later one of the young lads has to be given a chance and Apter needs either a really challenging loan where he'll get lots of minutes at a good level or some minutes here and there with us in the league and to play in the cups. 

The Italian has a vibe of casual violence about him. In a good way. He's all flick knives and technique. I could see him in a Clockwork Orange or Trainspotting.  He should add a lot to our set up. He adds something similar to Sonny Carey but if we are going to play football, we need more than just him. He's looked excellent in the flashes we've seen of him, and he seems to have been eating some nourishing food since he's been injured as he's also put himself about more, winning the ball, clattering into people. That's really promising as, whilst I've no doubt he's got ability and a lovely football brain, the few times he didn't impress last year, he looked a bit waif like and blown away by the physicality of high level football - hopefully, that will be less of an issue this season. 

Fiorini has a certain style... 

Up front is a bit harder to work out (though it has just come to mind, that I still have no idea what Owen Dale is for - to the extent that I thought about players like Apter before I thought about him... anyway... the front three...) Bowler (see above caveat) will likely do a decent job in front three but then who plays with him, I don't know. On paper, Lavery has the best blend of physique and pace but his touch and link play can be a bit lacking and he really does need to stop falling over so much. Yates has all the link play, but he sometimes struggles to impose himself. Gaz has link play of an angel (no, really) but doesn't really seem born to play the role of lone striker, in the same way a big shirehorse is a wonderful thing if you want to pull a truck full of beer, but perhaps less so if you want to win the Grand National*. Beesley is injured and a bit unknown still - I liked what I saw, but I also don't really feel that a side built around Beesley feels realistic. Lubala deserves credit for his attitude and he's got a blend of pace and muscle that gives him a little bit of difference to the other lads, but it has to also be said, he wasn't very good in the division below. 

*What I'm saying here, may appear, (to the reader who is not attuned to nuance), as if I am calling wor Gaz 'a carthorse' - I suppose, I am in a sense, but with the logic that a thoroughbred shire horse is a magnificent beast. Dressage ponies are all fine and dandy, but frankly, a shire horse would deck any other horse, Red Rum included. #allhailthegoalmachine.

(I'm hoping very much that next season isn't like 'Animal Farm' and wor Gaz isn't playing the role of Boxer - the last two seasons show us that best laid plans can go in the bin and plan B can become plan A and honestly, dropping the whole 'hilarious' Gaz-worship thing for a second, Gaz has never looked fitter and as an option we've already got contracted to change things up, we shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth)

He's a goal machine... 

It's the left side of attack/wings that baffles me a bit. I've already said what I've said about CJ and Appleton has shown no sign of playing Keshi there. Who else is there? I really don't know. It feels like a bit of a gap we need to fill to me. I think we'll probably have evolved from hopeful long diagonals to the corner, which is the tactic upon which CJ really excelled early on in his Pool career. 

Defensively, we're looking much the same as we did last year and again, we seem to have less fullbacks than is wise. I'm not wholly convinced by Garbutt. I am convinced by Husband. Many would have it the other way round, but I think Garbutt is quite a reactive (and injury prone) player who looks stylish but has problems with positioning. Husband is more rugged but his crossing is weaker, though I think his short game and ability to set a tempo on the left is vastly under-rated as his general attitude. He's a perfectly respectable fullback in my view. Any decent side ever has skilful players of course, but they also invariably feature a sprinkling of players whose attitude is their main asset - I think Jimmy is one of ours. If Phil Neville can win a European cup then so can Jimmy... 

On the right Jordan Gabriel is a legend. He might sometimes try and play every position, but his energy is such that more often than not, he'll be an extra man in a situation rather than missing in his own position. Jack Moore, like Rob Apter is obviously quite good at football. Whether he's good enough to be a championship player, I don't know. We do still really need a right back and also, Burnley can fuck right off hovering about Gabriel like some rich bastard going to a food bank cos they've heard there's caviar in stock this week. 

In the middle, Marvin remains and that gives us a lot to work around. Trickie Dickie is a year older and injuries were starting to bite last season. I don't think it's physically possible for him to lose pace, so we just better hope his eyesight holds and his creaking legs make it through one more year, cos he's class. Personally, I think Thorniley is decent enough and can clearly play football as well as defend. The lad from Liverpool hasn't come with glowing recommendations from my Liverpool mate, but then he also doesn't accept that Brett Ormerod in his prime was probably the greatest player in football history and definitely better than Salah, so what does he know about football at all? I've nowt to say about him till I see him play. 

If Keogh scores... we're on the pitch...

I really like Douglas Tharme - He's decisive, big, has that Madine-like quality of being better with the ball than stereotypes would suggest he will be and his name is wonderfully 1930s. 'Douglas Tharme' sounds like someone who might have been an adventurer back in the days before drones and Google Earth meant you didn't need to actually go anywhere anymore. I like to imagine black and white footage of him emerging from a jungle in Borneo or setting off to the arctic aboard a whaling ship. I hope he gets some decent football this season and we find out if he's really good or really a budget Ben Heneghan. 

In terms of keepers, though it seems some have decided Maxwell is worse than the lovechild of Kingson, Capleton and Sealey, he's not suddenly become a bad keeper. He is, however, firmly back up to Grimshaw, who is without doubt, the number 1 for the season, barring anyone trying to kick his head off again. 

A prediction-y bit. 

I don't know what the season holds for us. I don't think we're going to go down. Whilst we don't have quite the same fair wind in terms of crisis clubs around the division and promotion excitement driving us on, there's a few teams looking shaky and we also still have time to go into the season looking stronger than we did last year. I wasn't hugely impressed with many sides and whilst that might be dangerous, I think we can mix it again. 

I'm really hoping a couple of players can join the likes of Marvin in stepping up and properly establishing themselves. Carey is the obvious one, though I think we need to be patient to an extent and realise how inexperienced he is. Connolly could be a really important player, especially if Appleton commits to playing him in one position. I really would like Matty Virtue to have an injury free season and then we can at least know if he's got it or not. Sometimes I think he's a yard off the pace, other times I adore his style and endeavour - every time he's had a run, something happens, be it Covid, or repeated injury. This season could be big for him. 

I also think, if we are going to play fluid, attacking football, we could see a reborn Jerry Yates. The lad can really play and the fact he gets assists as well as goals shows that he's all about vision. That little pass for Lubala vs Rangers is just the latest in a line of frankly outrageous stuff he's done in Pool shirt. Of everyone, Jerry really didn't suit the direct style our former manager employed and he's a player who could yet prove himself because you don't score the kind of goals he scored in League 1 (or finish as our most productive forward last year) if you are shite. 

I'm going to say we can improve on last year - I think we'll finish somewhere around the middle, maybe 14th if you're going to pin my down and do that typewriter thing on my chest till I blurt out a league position - but we'll play with more style. I'm being horribly optimistic perhaps, I'm assuming that we'll sign a few more (primarily a left sided winger/attacker and a right back) and they'll be decent, I'm assuming that the players are warming to Appleton in the way I have so far and I'm assuming that we can make sense of a forward line that doesn't wholly make sense. I can also see a season of struggle. This is the infinite joy of football - that it beguiles and makes fools of us all. It would be crap to support PSG. It genuinely would. 

'Mystic Mitch' 

To be honest, I don't really like predicting stuff. In fact, I'm so shite at it that basically, you can put a cast iron bet* on that CJ will be top scorer and end the season valued at about £30 million. Whatever happens, it will be football and one of the teams will be in tangerine and there will be noise. 

*not now I've written it down though. 

Onwards! 

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 If you appreciate the blog and judge it worth 1p or more, then a donation to one of the causes below which help kids and families in Blackpool would be grand. Home-Start Blackpool Food Bank

I'm also flogging a book, which is a bit like this blog but longer and more papery - It's available here. The profits will go to Blackpool Food Bank. 

Praise for 'Was that a dream? - Blackpool FC 20/21' 

"A bit better than I expected" (SAFCblog) 

"A few typos" (Amazon) 

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Sun, Sonny and a stampede - Southport vs the Mighty

Preseason with no new players is a bit weird. So is seeing Bez up front for us. Hands up who'd forgotten he still plays for us?

Southport is looking suburban and splendid in summer sun. Pool knock it about quickly and refreshingly purposefully. We score quickly enough. Carey steals possession and audaciously spins himself into some space that didn't appear to be there but was. He gives and goes then burrows into the box, pulls it across and the ball is tucked home by Ireland's own CJ O'Hamilton.

The second goal doesn't take long. Carey again the provider, this time from a corner. Keogh goes for it but Bez gets his head to it and sends the tangerine army into raptures polite pre season applause.

We dominate thereafter. Keshi has a lovely run (although today he did look as if he's mostly been practicing not passing) Apter looks very forward thinking and has one hugely satisfying Bowler-esque drift from wide that he crowns with a beautiful touch through from which Yates does everything but get the crucial touch to lift over the keeper.

Someone hits the bar whilst I'm marvelling at the Southport firm (average age about 13 and a half) massing as close as they can get to us.

Sonny gives the Yr 9 army the side eye as he waits to take a corner. He's not the only one who has noticed them and the presence of a few more senior chaps arriving to greet the boys brigade sparks a sudden stampede back towards the home end. Things get a bit daft as a barrier gets pushed back and forth and a Southport player leaps into the crowd whilst Pool players run across and try and calm troubled waters.

We all stand around for a while. Ben Mansford comes and explains that every needs to move up a bit so 4 coppers can stand where some little kids had been happily running up and down the terracing chasing a balloon about. The coppers are unequivocal that some 4 year olds being on the wrong bit of terracing might cause a mass incident. World peace is secured by blocking off a toilet.

Eventually we're off again. Bez shows slick feet and forces a save. Keshi whistles a shot just wide. Sonny knocks a pass I could watch on a loop all week, splitting the defence with a languid ease and weighting it like dream for the man running on to it.

---

It's only Southport, but that was fun. We looked like we wanted to score goals.

---

Fuck my life. This half is awful. NOTHING HAPPENS.

Srsly. NOTHING.

I'll do my best. Douglas Thame (the footballer with the most 1920s name in the modern game) is dead big. He plays right back, which isn't his natural position I don't think.

Bowler and Gaz wander about. Gaz isn't in the mood for jumping. Lavery chases shadows. The lack of creativity is palpable and painful. Dale at least has a go. Thorniley does the best thing of the half - a lovely slide tackle - and the worst thing of the half - a mad slice out of play where he seems to pass to a player in his imagination.

Grimmy makes a good stop when they cut us open late on and Marv tidies the loose ball up to save our blushes. Southport are probably the better side this half to be honest. It really was turgid though.

---

It's a run out. There's not a lot to be learned that we didn't know, but... I like Rob Apter in the flesh a lot. He didn't always get the final ball right but he knows what he wants to do and never went backwards when he could go forwards. More of him please. 

It's slightly concerning that Bez appears to be the feel good hit of the summer. Good luck to the lad and all that, but when an appearance by a lad you'd last noted not doing much at all for Northampton because he'd been ostracised from the club is the most exciting bit of the squad news you know the market has been quiet so far.

Sonny tho. Every fucker in tangerine says "Carey could be the key this year" in a knowing way. He really could. He's exactly what wasn't on the pitch second half and exactly what we need more of in our transfer dealings. You can tackle and run about all season but without that bit of vision and ability, it's going to be a big ask to turn that effort into anything worthwhile.

Good day in the sunshine though. It's only preseason. However we play means very little. Ideally we'll get through the rest of it without being the subject of hand wringing articles in the Guardian...

Onwards.

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Content to fill a vacuum

Frankly there's fuck all happening. If it was up to me, I'd ban all football media from ten minutes after the last kick of the final game to ten minutes before the first kick of the new season. Nothing is more boring than empty speculation. 

Still, there's content to provide for a content provider. I am a content provider. This is content. I am providing. Are you content?  

Fuck knows how we'll do this year. No one has signed anyone and there's literally nothing to say. I could write a list of ten people with arms and legs who we might sign. Might as well make it up. Everyone else does. 

People we could sign: Diana Rigg, Melvyn Capleton, Bill Wyman, Lord Leverhulme, Jensen Button, Dot Cotton, Eric Idle, Harry Style's brother, that lad off the McCain's oven chip advert from the 90s who said "most excellent" or Cameron Brannagan. Who the fuck knows? 

What will the kit be like? It will be tangerine. It will have a badge and a neck hole and some arm holes. It will be a disgusting rip off at 50 quid for a flimsy t-shirt and we'll all accept that cos everyone else does it and that's the way it is. 

Will the new manager be any good? He might be good, bad or indifferent. Opinions will change on a week by week basis and people will probably radge about it like they radge about everything else. 

What will the new manager do? I don't know. Ask him. I don't support Lincoln do I? 

What about other teams? Fuck knows, don't give a fuck about them. 

Frankly, I'm not cut out for this am I?

There's nowt to say cos Wimbledon is on the telly and I really fucking hate Wimbledon. It's sport for people who don't like sport and I hope Timmy loses and posh people and Cliff Richard cry into their strawberries and cream. We can't seem to get organised to show the actual national game on telly, we can't even manage showing Rugby fucking League on telly anymore, but we get this shite every year. Fuck off. Tennis is also the world's shittest game to play. It's way inferior to table tennis or badminton. To be honest, I think it's worse than pretty much any sport ever. Ban it. 

Fuck off Timmy

Close season is close season and pointless shit racket games aside it's great cos you don't have to drag yourself to football games and can do stuff like mooch about aimlessly on Saturday and watch YouTube documentaries on derelict remnants of Victorian engineering wonders (I think that's just me to be fair.) We can live without it for a bit. Change is reet. There's way too much football anyway. It's an endless procession of game after game after game after game, every fucking minute of every day and it's like that so cunts can make money out of it. 

I think the need to constantly guess about shit is something to do with the pernicious and invasive influence of gambling on football. I think the need to measure every little bit of the game and have a stat on it is to do with that too. We have to have some kind of measure of everything, we have to be 'informed,' everything must be analysed even when there's nothing to even analyse. We have to talk about it all the time because it's REALLY IMPORTANT and IT REALLY FUCKING MATTERS and that kind of rhetoric was invented by Sky to try and flog a dying TV service in the 90s. Somehow it feels like a betrayal to just want to turn up and see how it goes and enjoy being there come what may. Everything matters. ALL OF THE TIME... 

We're all just addicts and the close season is methadone. It's an empty buzz. It's a cold high. Humourless empty conjecture from people who know fuck all but talk as if they've mastered secret metrics that guide the game. Vampiric no mark wankers chucking guesswork about and calling it 'insider knowledge'. Clickbait shite. Exclusive new season NFTs. Ridiculous toe curling new signing announcements teased with kooky graphics. People talking about strategies to bend financial fair play rules and balance sheets in a deadly earnest as if it's really fucking interesting way that makes you want to shoot yourself and then do it again just to make sure you are dead and don't have to live on this fucked up world anymore where cunts have even ruined football and we all know who will win is who has got the most money. Wheelbarrows worth of money being spent on average players who will be hyped up like fuck. £20 million quid described as 'a bargain' whilst more and more people can't afford luxuries like electricity. Fucking CEOs and directors of this, that and the other coining it in and pissing themselves cos we lap it up like fucking idiots.

You wouldn't guess it, but I'm really looking forward to Southport on Saturday. I've actually really missed it. I just hope Gaz doesn't choose to play in short shorts like he's been training in. 

Onward. 

If you want, you can buy my book that Neil Critchley ruined by fucking off on the day I released it. 

Tweet You can follow MCLF on facebook or Twitter or use Follow.it to get posts sent to your email If you appreciate the blog and judge it worth 1p or more, then a donation to one of the causes below which help kids and families in Blackpool would be grand. Home-Start Blackpool Food Bank

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Forever changes

It's a tangerine. In a sun shape. Cos it's summer. Quality content.

Such a lot has happened. We've covered the shit fake Paul Daniels and his treacherous retreat into the midland shadows so let's move on.

Before we do though, it has to be said that El Cowardly Bodywarmero didn't just chuck heart gestures at us and then run off without so much as a text message, he cost his mates their jobs too. I hope he's sending food parcels to Mike 'he shouts really loud' Garrity and Ian 'how have they found someone even less famous than Mike Garrity and Neil Critchley?' Brunskill.

I'm not that gutted Brunskill has gone, he was only here 5 minutes but I feel sorry for Garrity. All those trips to Macro to get shit for Critch like sweets to shut Jerry up on the coach and Night Nurse to feed Jerry on the coach to shut him up and earplugs to block out Jerry on the coach when neither of the above worked. That notebook he randomly wrote in that him and Critch stared at instead of making subs. The vague air of being a youth worker... All of that doesn't matter. Critch has got a famous mate now to tell what to shout to the players.

Poor Micky G.

Neil? Neil? it's Mike! Neil? Neil?

Big Murphs. Big Murphs. Nothing I can say can do justice to Big Murphs. As a player, he was a stalwart. Not appreciated by all (some people are fools) but it's no coincidence that neither Scott Taylor nor Brett Ormerod ever scored as many as they did alongside Murphs. One of my favourite ever goals was his unlikely 25 yard half volley against Bristol City on the final day of the season just because it was so atypical. A proper big man who could play football and a proper coach who got his youth team performing above expectation and playing lovely free flowing attacking football. Fearless stuff, even when coming up against the best in the country. A true legend. A big Murphs header was equal to a Gary Goal in terms of its purity and wonder. I can't say it clearer than that can I? 

What of the new manager? Everything is black or white. Either Appleton is a dreadful appointment that signals that something is rotten in Denmark or actually, Simon Sadler has made a great appointment and we must never question anything he ever does because he is basically Jesus 2. 

I'm not sure there's enough grey in life.
Neither of those positions really capture how I feel about ol' Micky Big Arms strolling back into town. It's an odd one. My feelings oscillate. I contradict myself. I have to remind myself that in an age of social media, it is still ok to *not be certain* even though you win/lose the popularity contest of twitter and all that sort of thing by having OPINIONS.

In short, I have no fucking idea how this all pans out. He's got experience, he's a different manager (and probably man) to the boring stuff last time - it's probably his one shot at the big time and he speaks well. Of course there are doubts, but Clough (the best manager ever) took the best team in the country at the time on in the 1970s and it turned out to be disaster so nothing is for definite anyway. Frankly, I can't be arsed moaning about what could have been cos the other candidates might have been shite anyway for all we know.

What I do know is the pre season videos have whetted my footballing appetite. We've learned that...

- Jerry is very excited. Very. Very. Excited. All the time. I think David Kerslake might be off to get some herbal calms tablets if Macro have them.

- Chris Maxwell takes exercising very seriously. 

- Oliver Casey can jump very high in the air so that's a thing.

- Gaz loves increasingly cuddly and less crazy Uncle Richard like, properly, it's a deep bromance thing. Srsly

- Also Gaz is really polite. ('Can I have a smaller size please?' with the please properly intoned to suggest that the receiver is empowered enough to say no. Butter would not melt...)

- I think we've all learned we need some content warnings because frankly Gaz and Jerry in their (small) smalls was a bit of a shock. 

- Players just running for a bit and then collapsing as if they're going to be sick is surprisingly good value.

- Richard Keogh reverts from cuddly Uncle Richard to crazy Uncle Richard after a long run. Once round the training pitch and the fella looks like he's outside Tesco shouting at passers by about death rays the FBI have put in the telly. Fucking love him. 

Tangerine TV (adults only)

So much has happened and yet, it's just the same old thing really. Football. Tangerine. I can't wait now. Bring it on. 

Onwards. 

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Cheers Critch! (and also fuck off Critch)

Impish little bastard lurking at back of shot. It wasn't a twinkle after all. It was a smirk...

So. He's gone. Walked out the door. He's not turning around, cos he don't need us any more. We've got all our lives to live though, and all our love to give, and we'll grow strong. We'll learn how to get along so go on Critch. Go. Be with Stevie if that's what you want. Take your body warmers with you and shut the door on the way out. Twat. 

The sensible grown up response is to thank him for a pretty fine two years in which he discovered some terrific players, won us promotion and developed a tough side that gave 100% pretty much all the time. To acknowledge that Jerry Yates last year was the sort of striker we hadn't seen in a decade and Bowler this season, the kind of winger you only get to see a few times in your life. Remember the defence in League 1. We were like fucking Arsenal under George Graham...

The churlish (but very tempting) response is to point out that he's a turncoat who plays sideways and backwards football and who never really unlocked the kind of football he talked about with "knock it across the backline and get Grimmy to belt it at Madine" being a mainstay of our style for much of the year.

Objectively, I admired his diligence, his calmness and his pragmatism. Emotionally, he frustrated me at times with his hesitant approach to risk. He rarely played Kaikai where he belonged, he kept Carey at arms length and preferred water carriers to flair players. We were solid first and then, if we got the chance, hit on the break. It was all far more Van Gaal or Mourinho than it was Cruyff.

His results are hard to argue with though. I've always maintained that, certain as I am that I am a football genius, I'm also certain that I'm really not. I'd just have picked all the attackers and we'd get hammered every week. He did a good job whatever we felt about the style and the few times he really didn't get it right (i.e at Deepdale) are far outweighed by the fact we're now looking back on a comfortable season in the Championship. Prizing style over substance irritates me as the preserve of hipsters and Critch won me over by abandoning his textbook and doing what worked. I can't now slate him for that.

He said all the right things. He did the badge stuff. He soaked up the adulation like a little grey haired sponge. You could almost literally see him grow in stature as a manager. When he started here, he looked startled by the camera, he looked frustrated by the players he had not being able to do the plan he'd laid out.

By the time he left, he was a terrier on the touchline, a punchy pugilistic figure who spoke in a calm, assured way and purred about wins at teams like Sheffield United. That's what made him seem special. We could see him develop, he'd signed on for five years. He was going to be different. We'd see him grow with us. We were all on a journey you see.

At least that's the spin we were fed.

It's a sad move as it shows the gap between the two divisions for what it is. A chasm.

It's a strange move because it feels as if that development we've seen in Critchley is now for naught. He's going back to the shadows. It's his old job, just with older players.

It's a move that hurts, because, naive as it is to put your faith in anyone in football, Critch had us singing his name, Critch had us staying after defeats to applaud him and his players. Critch *seemed* to genuinely appreciate what he had and we appreciated that he appreciated it and that is rare.

So. Fuck off Critch. But also. Thanks Critch. But also fuck off Critch. Stevie G? What the fuck has he got (apart from loads of money) that we don't have? But cheers Critch too. Jerry's goal against Pompey. That Oxford away game (twice,) Maxi in the last ten minutes v Sunderland, Wembley, beating Fulham at home. Josh Bowler, PNE at home, Sheff U and Boro away and plenty more.

But the way he left... Yes. I know. Money. Family. We'd all do the same. Blah. Blah. Blah. It's an emotional game though. Who can really spend their time following it and be objective and fair about it all? 

He brought some magic at times. He did his job. He worked hard. He worked very hard. He cared. That is not in doubt. The way he's left still leaves a bad taste though. 

We move on. I hope his successor can show the same dedication to detail but also play with some flair and trust in attack over counter attack. Critch isn't and never was the club. He's just a man who worked there. It turns out, we weren't stuck with him after all and we go on. It's us who are stuck with the club and who knows, this could be the kick up the arse we need. Things had all got quite cosy. It might equally be a disaster.

Any and every appointment will be a gamble. The joy of the game is the uncertainty.

Big Murphs in!

Onward.

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That was the year that was: 21/22 Season Review

The other week I was using the facilities in a pub. A drunk scouser accosted me, demanding to know who I supported. 'Blackpool' I said. 'Blackpool? Blackpool? Fucking hell. We're gonna do the quad' he slurred. 'What the fuck have you won this season?' he demanded, a touch of latent aggression evident in the forthright way he jabbed his finger at my chest. 'Hearts and minds' I replied, fixing him with a firm stare. 

"Ha. Nice one mate. Nice one. Nice one" He appeared mollified. He gave me a big drunk hug. He hadn't washed his hands but then, that's the unique bond of football. A drunk scouser can accost you in slightly frightening way in a toilet then touch you with his pissy digits in a show of unsolicited manly affection and that's the beauty of the whole affair summed up in a single image.

Perhaps... 

Here is my attempt to sum up the last season in a loosely structured and meandering way. You don't not pay me to write short pieces of clickbait so therefore, I've just written a load of shite. It's not quite as long as a book though. (Do you see what I did there... subtle as a brick) 

Overall, it was a good year: Below is a load of things I liked... 

I am nostradamus: I predicted we'd finish 16th. We finished 16th. All in all though, we were a lot more comfortable than I thought we might me. I thought we'd be 10 or 12 points better than relegation, not 25, but then, the teams at the bottom were more shite and were deducted more points than I'd imagined. Still, there were very few teams who made us look daft. 

The noise. The noise. The noise. I don't know if it was the effect of lockdown on top of boycotting on top of the excitement of promotion but rarely has following the Pool felt so fucking good. I love noise. We made loads of noise. I could list lots of games that I really enjoyed, but probably my favourite match of the year was Bournemouth away in the sunshine. Pool blown away. Pool keep singing. Pool roar back and stun the gentile southerners. Pool make more noise. Everyone is happy. Everything is good. Everyone has given everything. I can hardly speak. It's how it should be. 

Keshi Anderson being ridiculous. I'll freely admit, I didn't really rate Keshi before this season. It is a matter of record that I thought that the one, the only, the singularly magnificent Sullay Kaikai was hard done by and that Keshi had offered much less than him last season but the impudence he played with in the first part of the season was a joy to behold. The golf putt finish against PNE, that mad assist for Lavery, the chop against Sheffield United away that sent us into the kind of rapture that lives long in the heart. Finesse. Innit. 

Josh Bowler being so electric that you could probably rig him up to the national grid and solve the energy crisis. It's not a goal that stands out for me with him, though there were plenty, not least in the outrageous run of form he had after Christmas, where for a few months he was as good as almost any player I can recall in tangerine, but his dribbling in general. If I think of Bowler, the first thing that comes to mind is a mad run he did several times (including against PNE), picking the ball up deep and accelerating steadily before hitting full speed, vaulting challenges like a hurdler on an Olympic track, indie kid hair trailing in his wake, the ball mesmerised and pliant, totally in thrall to his every whim, defenders turned into lumbering prehistoric club wielding neanderthals vainly trying to catch a cheetah in full flight. What a fucking player. Ok, his end product wasn't always there, but if he'd turned every chance he'd created into a goal, the boy would have broken records. My heart will be a little broken on the day he leaves. Sometimes he looked like he was playing a different game.

Marvin being absolutely unphased by the step up to a higher league. Marvin looking exactly like he did the season before, if not even better than the season before, despite playing against better players. I'd also add Jimmy Husband doing similar to be honest, even if haterz will hate that. But haterz gonna hate. 

Crazy Uncle Richard proving me oh so wrong. I missed the first two games on holiday. When I returned, I discovered that this 'Keogh' character we'd bought  wasa shit Oyston-era-esque past it has been washed up crock whose only skills were pointing, having weird hair, staring at stuff that's only in his mind and looking really sweaty and tired even before kick off. 

Here's what I wrote about him just a few weeks later about after the away game at Middlesbrough (another fucking diamond of an experience) 

I lose myself and then find myself as I realise how loud I'm screaming a guttural cry of joy. I look down and see Crazy Uncle Richard is doing exactly the same. It's as if we're screaming at each other. He's absolutely unbridled. It's pure delight. I fucking love it. The whole team is in front of us and the place has gone mad. What a fucking moment. Keogh to Marvin. Goal. Who needs strikers? 

By this time, I was completely smitten with Trickie Dickie Keogh. How a man can basically not be able to run, but still be fucking brilliant is beyond me. He thinks at whole different level. He's got some kind of Matrix level ability to see the game faster than everyone else and thus, from his view, slow time down and be in the right place at the right time. He loves it. He really, really loves playing football. He's still really good at it. 

Jordan Gabriel. The man never stops. He plays like he's on overdrive mode all the time. He's at right back. Now he's overlapping. Wait. He's just headed it away in the centre. Now he's picking up the loose ball in midfield. If we had 11 Jordan Gabriels then the pitch would probably have no grass left on it as all of them would be running and sliding on it all the time. I'm not really a man of faith but I might just have a sneaky word with the lad(s?) upstairs about his hamstring over forthcoming seasons. 

Dan Grimshaw's relaxed brilliance - Despite looking like he's fresh from an all nighter where he got so stoned he couldn't feel his own feet or the top of his head and me imagining he's carrying a bong made of an old coke bottle a bit of tinfoil and a grimy plastic bag in his kit bag, Grimmy is a really, really good goalkeeper. I think he might make an England squad one day. He's brilliant at making it look simple. He does very little until he does a lot. He never over elaborates. He's a zen goalkeeper. 

Gary Gaz Maz Goal Machine Madine (of course.) C'mon. Own up. Most of you thought he would be a bit part. A last 20 minute player. A sentimental contract extension. A crock. Couldn't be relied on. Etc etc. He wasn't.

He became plan A for the second season in a row. Feeding the little lads was proving a little bit difficult so we wheeled on wor Gaz to win more headers than just about anyone else in football (look it up) and of course, to score *that goal* ... Madine brings it down, Yates... through his legs!!! Madine, a little kiss on the ball, it's glanced home, just inside the post... YESSSSSSSSSSSS! PRESTON GET BATTERED. EVERYWHERE THEY GO!!!! 

The fight we showed. It's a shame we ended the season with a whimper as it really wasn't typical of our play in general. We started a bit shakily but when we hit our groove we knocked other teams off theirs and though we might not always have achieved a full total football style, we rarely could accused of not going toe to toe with the opposition. All I want to see is a team that tries, ideally with a bit of skill within it. We certainly tried and had moments where that was topped off with a bit of brilliance. 

The less good: Stuff I didn't enjoy as much. 

Really shit performances were rare but... Derby away was like drinking a cold cup of tea that had formed a skin on top. Preston away was like drinking rancid milk that had been warmed up slightly, drunk by someone else and then vomited back into a glass that had old fag butts in it. Whatever Critch says about possession and that and however many injuries we had, it was a rare bit of shite from us... I was spared Peterborough by the early kick off but I think my least favourite game (Preston away aside) was Luton at home, where we didn't play especially badly, but it lashed down icy rain, the wind blew around the stands and Luton just scored three times more than us despite not seeming much better than us.

Other games hurt, stung, frustrated but that's football. You aren't going to win every week, sometimes the ball doesn't bounce for you, losing doesn't always have to prompt an inquest and rage - those three were my low points though. 

Injuries in general and especially Grant Ward getting injured against Bournemouth meant that a) he'd never play for us again, which is a sad thing and b) we really lacked anyone to carry the ball in midfield all season. Kevin Stewart makes glass look positively robust, Matty Virtue was already out. Garbs cut his hair and suddenly became all fragile again... The fact we ended up with Jordan Thorniley... (who Critch palpably doesn't rate but who keeps reappearing anyway because he's the football equivalent of that fucking awful Chumbawumba song or a weeble)... as a pretty key member of the squad after January says it all.  

The midfield is neither brutal nor beautiful: The engine room is energetic. It's honest. It just doesn't have the player who can knit everything together, the play who can spot a pass no one else has seen or make the driving run dragging three players with him. It also lacks the absolute beast who will win every ball or every header. Kenny is fine at what Kenny does, but he's wearing a mantle of 'the best player in midfield' which is not fair. Kev Stewart IS the best player in midfield once or twice every three months or so, which is not enough. I've grown to really like Callum Connolly but he's a player who gives a lot of endeavour and physical effort, a player who will make the other players space and time, but what's the point of that if there isn't the player to take advantage? No midfielders let us down last year, but they all need someone in the squad who can thread, stitch, switch and run. 

Our loan signings weren't up to all that much: Dujon was good, weirdly particularly suited to playing out of position at left back but Tyreese John-Jules was less effective than Ben Woodburn which is a bit like saying comparing standing on lego to standing on a plug. The poor lad just couldn't finish. Actually, he also couldn't really stick to a position or tackle. To be fair, he was good at Bournemouth and against Sunderland in the League cup but he looked like a midtable league 1 kid most of the time and that was a shame because we really needed a player in his mould to meld together technical ability with physical presence. Ryan Wintle was decent to be fair, but when we really needed to keep him, he went back. 

It's difficult in some ways because the Elite Player Performance Plan (or 'plan to ensure the richest clubs get the best kids as I wittily term it') and the financial inequity in football means clubs like us find it difficult to protect our best young assets and then get charged an arm and a leg to loan players back to the league where arguably, they should be already playing. I don't really want us to put all our eggs in the loan basket or stop trying to produce players of our own and giving chances to those who are willing to commit to us properly, but it's also frustrating looking at the quality of some of the signings other clubs around us have made. 

The 'we'll see': Stuff I've not made my mind up on for whatever reason. 

Shayne Lavery was mint at times. Bustling, bristling and fighting for everything. At others, he chased vainly and the ball bounced off him at odd angles. Like Jerry, he had a good run of form and then seemed to go through a long spell where nothing really worked. He scored in three successive games twice but only scored 4 more goals outside of those six matches. I've every faith in him - his touch could be slightly more delicate but he makes terrific runs and he's a player that with a bit more quality in midfield 0 someone who can read those runs  could make him a real nuisance week in, week out. 

Talking of Jerry... Yates has ended the year with the highest number of goal involvements of any of our players, but he looks a bit of a shadow of himself. Where is the sniper from last year? Where are the slaloming runs and little shimmies into space and whip crack shots into the bottom corner? I don't know. I'm sad if that's it for Jerry. He's a delight to watch when he's on form and his touch and vision is tremendous (see Stoke away as the most recent example I can think of) but he just doesn't look confident. I really want him to go again this year and find that strut that he had at his best. Again, we've not really played to his strengths for a lot of the season. Jerry needs the right ball and to work with players running from deep and so on. 

Sonny Carey. I love this kid. He's so classy - he looks like he's got more time on the ball than other players. He is the one player who looked like he could do what I said above we lacked in the middle of the park. He's calm. He likes a shot. He's got a very good shot. He looks way better than his age and experience would suggest he should be.

My question is - where will we play him? He's to me, the ideal player to link the midfield and attack, but we've already seen that Critchley doesn't really use that sort of player very often. To me, the jury isn't out on his ability, more the question of, how do we harness it? The game he played in central midfield away at Huddersfield was probably our best 45 minutes of the season but he only played there because no one else was remotely fit. Would we really see such a technical player as our coach's go to option? I'm not sure. That half of football was (a bit like the Reading away comeback) a glimpse into how we *could* play if we took the brakes off a little. 

Owen Dale has played a few half hour spells where he's looked terrific. A good bit of swagger and a lot of intent. He's also played spells where it looks like his main ability is getting the ball, doing two step overs about 3 yards away from a defender then getting tackled. I don't know which is the real him. Charlie Kirk by contrast is steady as you like. He crosses the ball well. He controls the ball well. He passes to someone else and moves into space. I'm not sure if that's enough. I quite like Kirk and I love the fleeting glimpses of the good Owen Dale, but in a world without Bowler and maybe Keshi, they've got a lot to live up to... (presuming we're not too skint to sign Kirk that is...) 

Bit at the end where I say something that sums it up. 

I really enjoyed this season. Football is wonderful and after all the shite of recent years of all kinds, it was magic to follow so many games and to enjoy the highs and lows. I hope we can recreate the kind of atmosphere and the sorts of followings we brought to grounds around the country. I hope we can balance the structural rebuilding of the club with delivering the goods on the pitch. I hope we can buy and sell well and find that little bit more adventure in our play or at very least, recreate the sort of magic that Bowler and Keshi weaved in moments last year. I hope we've got the pricing right in an increasingly expensive world where more and more people are under pressure financially and football looks increasingly grotesque however we think about it. Football clubs are performing a balancing act in a costly world. So  are their core support. 

Next year will be tough but I hope there's a bit of hope that stays alive at least as long as it did this year, a bit of thrills and skills and last minute delight. I'm sure there will be. Cup run, flirting with the playoffs for a bit longer, someone stepping up we didn't expect, someone new to fall in love with, a midfielder who can pull strings, Keogh finally scoring, whatever it is. I hope the pleasure at least equals the pain. It doesn't always of course. That's what makes it what it is. To make sure things are at least bearable, just keep bunging out Gaz, Jimmy and Richard doing 'group chat' and I'm happy. Or just re-sign Sullay Kaikai... 

However it goes next year, it'll be tangerine and that's enough to make it magical. 

Onward! 

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