Frankly there's fuck all happening. If it was up to me, I'd ban all football media from ten minutes after the last kick of the final game to ten minutes before the first kick of the new season. Nothing is more boring than empty speculation.
Still, there's content to provide for a content provider. I am a content provider. This is content. I am providing. Are you content?
Fuck knows how we'll do this year. No one has signed anyone and there's literally nothing to say. I could write a list of ten people with arms and legs who we might sign. Might as well make it up. Everyone else does.
People we could sign: Diana Rigg, Melvyn Capleton, Bill Wyman, Lord Leverhulme, Jensen Button, Dot Cotton, Eric Idle, Harry Style's brother, that lad off the McCain's oven chip advert from the 90s who said "most excellent" or Cameron Brannagan. Who the fuck knows?
Still, there's content to provide for a content provider. I am a content provider. This is content. I am providing. Are you content?
Fuck knows how we'll do this year. No one has signed anyone and there's literally nothing to say. I could write a list of ten people with arms and legs who we might sign. Might as well make it up. Everyone else does.
People we could sign: Diana Rigg, Melvyn Capleton, Bill Wyman, Lord Leverhulme, Jensen Button, Dot Cotton, Eric Idle, Harry Style's brother, that lad off the McCain's oven chip advert from the 90s who said "most excellent" or Cameron Brannagan. Who the fuck knows?
What will the kit be like? It will be tangerine. It will have a badge and a neck hole and some arm holes. It will be a disgusting rip off at 50 quid for a flimsy t-shirt and we'll all accept that cos everyone else does it and that's the way it is.
Will the new manager be any good? He might be good, bad or indifferent. Opinions will change on a week by week basis and people will probably radge about it like they radge about everything else.
What will the new manager do? I don't know. Ask him. I don't support Lincoln do I?
What about other teams? Fuck knows, don't give a fuck about them.
Frankly, I'm not cut out for this am I?
There's nowt to say cos Wimbledon is on the telly and I really fucking hate Wimbledon. It's sport for people who don't like sport and I hope Timmy loses and posh people and Cliff Richard cry into their strawberries and cream. We can't seem to get organised to show the actual national game on telly, we can't even manage showing Rugby fucking League on telly anymore, but we get this shite every year. Fuck off. Tennis is also the world's shittest game to play. It's way inferior to table tennis or badminton. To be honest, I think it's worse than pretty much any sport ever. Ban it.
Close season is close season and pointless shit racket games aside it's great cos you don't have to drag yourself to football games and can do stuff like mooch about aimlessly on Saturday and watch YouTube documentaries on derelict remnants of Victorian engineering wonders (I think that's just me to be fair.) We can live without it for a bit. Change is reet. There's way too much football anyway. It's an endless procession of game after game after game after game, every fucking minute of every day and it's like that so cunts can make money out of it.
I think the need to constantly guess about shit is something to do with the pernicious and invasive influence of gambling on football. I think the need to measure every little bit of the game and have a stat on it is to do with that too. We have to have some kind of measure of everything, we have to be 'informed,' everything must be analysed even when there's nothing to even analyse. We have to talk about it all the time because it's REALLY IMPORTANT and IT REALLY FUCKING MATTERS and that kind of rhetoric was invented by Sky to try and flog a dying TV service in the 90s. Somehow it feels like a betrayal to just want to turn up and see how it goes and enjoy being there come what may. Everything matters. ALL OF THE TIME...
Frankly, I'm not cut out for this am I?
There's nowt to say cos Wimbledon is on the telly and I really fucking hate Wimbledon. It's sport for people who don't like sport and I hope Timmy loses and posh people and Cliff Richard cry into their strawberries and cream. We can't seem to get organised to show the actual national game on telly, we can't even manage showing Rugby fucking League on telly anymore, but we get this shite every year. Fuck off. Tennis is also the world's shittest game to play. It's way inferior to table tennis or badminton. To be honest, I think it's worse than pretty much any sport ever. Ban it.
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| Fuck off Timmy |
Close season is close season and pointless shit racket games aside it's great cos you don't have to drag yourself to football games and can do stuff like mooch about aimlessly on Saturday and watch YouTube documentaries on derelict remnants of Victorian engineering wonders (I think that's just me to be fair.) We can live without it for a bit. Change is reet. There's way too much football anyway. It's an endless procession of game after game after game after game, every fucking minute of every day and it's like that so cunts can make money out of it.
I think the need to constantly guess about shit is something to do with the pernicious and invasive influence of gambling on football. I think the need to measure every little bit of the game and have a stat on it is to do with that too. We have to have some kind of measure of everything, we have to be 'informed,' everything must be analysed even when there's nothing to even analyse. We have to talk about it all the time because it's REALLY IMPORTANT and IT REALLY FUCKING MATTERS and that kind of rhetoric was invented by Sky to try and flog a dying TV service in the 90s. Somehow it feels like a betrayal to just want to turn up and see how it goes and enjoy being there come what may. Everything matters. ALL OF THE TIME...
We're all just addicts and the close season is methadone. It's an empty buzz. It's a cold high. Humourless empty conjecture from people who know fuck all but talk as if they've mastered secret metrics that guide the game. Vampiric no mark wankers chucking guesswork about and calling it 'insider knowledge'. Clickbait shite. Exclusive new season NFTs. Ridiculous toe curling new signing announcements teased with kooky graphics. People talking about strategies to bend financial fair play rules and balance sheets in a deadly earnest as if it's really fucking interesting way that makes you want to shoot yourself and then do it again just to make sure you are dead and don't have to live on this fucked up world anymore where cunts have even ruined football and we all know who will win is who has got the most money. Wheelbarrows worth of money being spent on average players who will be hyped up like fuck. £20 million quid described as 'a bargain' whilst more and more people can't afford luxuries like electricity. Fucking CEOs and directors of this, that and the other coining it in and pissing themselves cos we lap it up like fucking idiots.
You wouldn't guess it, but I'm really looking forward to Southport on Saturday. I've actually really missed it. I just hope Gaz doesn't choose to play in short shorts like he's been training in.
You wouldn't guess it, but I'm really looking forward to Southport on Saturday. I've actually really missed it. I just hope Gaz doesn't choose to play in short shorts like he's been training in.
Onward.
If you want, you can buy my book that Neil Critchley ruined by fucking off on the day I released it.
If you want, you can buy my book that Neil Critchley ruined by fucking off on the day I released it.
Always admire your rants Matt, the irony of Critchley bugging out on your book release date was missed by me, but I do hope all that work was not in vain.
ReplyDeleteI hope to get up to Blackpool for a game in September and it would be nice to say hello F2F with you and John in that boozer down Bloomfield Rd. on the left, Armfield club is too noisy to chat in..! Have a good Summer and let the season start 🟧 best wishes Richard