Things that happened today in no particular order.
I saw the real life Rayne Wooney and he was wearing shitty bright white trainers. From the distance I was at, it looked like his mam had nipped down the Strand in Bootle and got him a pair of plastic knock offs. I noticed the M6 giraffe had blown away. I shouted 'why the fuck are we playing Callum Connelly in midfield' to no one in particular.
Some other things happened. Derby staged the world's worst pitch invasion. I wondered where the fuck Jordan Gabriel was. As I idled at some traffic lights, I noticed my car had passed 175000 miles. According to actual proper journalist Matt Scrafton, when Maxwell got a knock, Jimmy Husband was holding some goalie gloves in case he couldn't carry on. That was too far away for me to see but I feel deeply cheated that we didn't get to see an outfield player clapping his gloves together as if trying to convince himself and everyone else, that he knows what he's doing.
Derby fans sang and sang. That's what a football club is. It's that simple. Fuck it up and lose it and that noise behind the goal is gone. Nothing else really matters. It's all an illusion of betting sponsorships and self important rich cunts. What it really is is just people standing behind a goal, watching a game. That's all it is and all it ever will be. Forget that and the game is fucked.
I notice Derby have the weirdest floodlights I've ever seen. They look like drunk installed them. I've never really noticed them before. They're really incongruous on what is an otherwise very uniform and neat ground. I like the weird angles. It makes it all feel a bit avant garde.
That's about it. Nothing else any good happened. Derby scored a goal. We were shite. That's the blog. I want to stop there. We both know I won't and probably, we both wish I would.
Read on at your own risk.
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What the fuck is this team? I'm happy to see Carey and Lavery deserves to start but I just don't get it. In Critch we place our trust and also at Critch we aim our bemusement. Maybe Crazy Uncle Richard isn't ready for 90 minutes. James has done OK, so maybe that's fair enough but... Callum Connolly. I don't understand. I thought we'd got rid of Ollie Turton, but he's like Ollie Turton with bigger shoulders. He also, like Ollie Turton, looks like you could stick him in a uniform and take a black and white photo and fool people he's your grandad on national service duties. I don't have anything against him, I just don't know why he's there, galumphing about in midfield, manfully not doing anything exciting at all.
We are marginally the better side in the first half. That's not saying very much. It's like two bald men arguing over whether the analogy works better if you use hair gel or a comb as the point of conflict.
'Highlights' include:
Everyone singing 'fuck the EFL'
Soney Carey doing a lovely cushioned pass
We are marginally the better side in the first half. That's not saying very much. It's like two bald men arguing over whether the analogy works better if you use hair gel or a comb as the point of conflict.
'Highlights' include:
Everyone singing 'fuck the EFL'
Soney Carey doing a lovely cushioned pass
We have a few efforts, Shayne looking most lively and most likely.
Lowlights include:
Us giving the ball away a lot to a Derby team who don't seem to know what to do with it and attack with the speed of grit spreading machine, which is fortunate at times, because had they got some incision, we'd have looked a bit stupid.
Lowlights include:
Us giving the ball away a lot to a Derby team who don't seem to know what to do with it and attack with the speed of grit spreading machine, which is fortunate at times, because had they got some incision, we'd have looked a bit stupid.
We manage to get up to the speed of a milk float.
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At half time, the conclusion is... (what comes next is why you don't need heat maps and those scatter graph things - you can just ask the bloke next to you and get the same thing in an easier to understand form) ... 'these are shite.'
We've been marginally less turgid than Derby but ceded possession far to easily. If we just up the tempo, we should waltz this. Maybe Bowler? CJ? Jerry? Perhaps Jordan Gabriel*? Fast, intense players.
*Why in the name of every fucking god ever is Jordan Gabriel not playing? He's been superb. Why are we playing someone at fullback who is not our player and is palpably not giving us what Gabriel gives us? Why? Neil?! Why!? I am confused as fuck to be honest.
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So. What pacy young starlet is coming on? Why, it's 36 year old oil tanker with a gearbox problem Richard Keogh!
Because. Of. Course. It. Is.
Don't get me wrong. I love Tricky Dickie. The eyebrows. The desperate sweeps of his thinning hair. The positioning and the Baresi esque distribution. He's fucking ace. He's also the opposite of what you'd think you'd need based on the first half. I am now completely flummoxed. Maybe James has an appointment he has to get to or something?
Remembering this game is like trying to remember a trip round Wickes where you went in for some creosote but couldn't find it so left with nothing but a feeling of emptiness. It all felt the same. Boring. Frustrating.
We started the second half well for about 45 seconds. Shayne had another shot that never looked like going in. Then we went shit again. Derby moved marginally quicker than in the first half. Their style of play reminded me a bit of a shire horse doing show jumping. They weren't without finesse and style, it just seemed quite laboured. Rayne Wooney stands on the touchline with his cheap office carpet hair. Neil Critchley waves and points. It doesn't seem to have any impact.
Derby put a ball in. Wintle chases back, Wintle falls over. The lad Wintle was tracking gets to it. It's blocked or Maxwell saves, but it falls to a Derby player. For fucks sake.
What is supposed to happen now is a rousing response. It doesn't. We try Josh Bowler. He does ok-ish but as usual doesn't turn his dribbling into runs or shots. We bring on Yates. He's mostly offside. We make a few positions. One time, we even look a bit threatening, knocking it quite nicely out to the wing but then it turns out it's centre back turned right back turned centre midfielder Callum Connolly on the wing rather than one of the 50 actual wingers in our squad and who knew that a centre back turned right back turned centre midfielder wouldn't be very good at crossing it?!
Keshi has a scrap.
Jimmy swaps passes with Shayne. He burrows into the box, Jimmy follows him in, Jerry steps back. All he has to do is pull it back and either one of them can't miss. He lashes it at the near post instead. That's the closest we come. We have a corner. We head it over. The Rayne Wooney's Derby County fans make a big old noise because it's a bit shite being a Rayne Wooney's Derby County fan but they're so obviously going to win the game. They're not going to stay up cos they're not especially good but they're going to make a noise about doing so because why not? I would.
Jimmy motors forward. Jimmy plays a rubbish ball. Jimmy shouts at everyone because his only option was the rubbish ball. Everyone looks a bit sheepish. For a few minutes we charge about. Bowler beats 3 then fucks it up. Cos of course he does. At least the pulse quickened slightly.
The whistle goes.
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We were shit. I am not a fan of writing things like 'disgraceful!' and 'spineless!' cos I dunno, you lose games sometimes and it's possible to try hard and play shit as anyone who has ever played a game of football themselves will know, but it's really hard to find anything to say that isn't criticism today.
Jimmy swaps passes with Shayne. He burrows into the box, Jimmy follows him in, Jerry steps back. All he has to do is pull it back and either one of them can't miss. He lashes it at the near post instead. That's the closest we come. We have a corner. We head it over. The Rayne Wooney's Derby County fans make a big old noise because it's a bit shite being a Rayne Wooney's Derby County fan but they're so obviously going to win the game. They're not going to stay up cos they're not especially good but they're going to make a noise about doing so because why not? I would.
Jimmy motors forward. Jimmy plays a rubbish ball. Jimmy shouts at everyone because his only option was the rubbish ball. Everyone looks a bit sheepish. For a few minutes we charge about. Bowler beats 3 then fucks it up. Cos of course he does. At least the pulse quickened slightly.
The whistle goes.
---
We were shit. I am not a fan of writing things like 'disgraceful!' and 'spineless!' cos I dunno, you lose games sometimes and it's possible to try hard and play shit as anyone who has ever played a game of football themselves will know, but it's really hard to find anything to say that isn't criticism today.
The ref was fucking awful, but that wasn't really the reason we lost. Derby were absurd in their time wasting, but we could still be playing now and we wouldn't have scored.
When we picked a similar line up against Birmingham, I made a point of trying to work out what Critchley was doing cos he's obviously not fucking thick like Lee Clark or someone. Connelly was there to stiffen the midfield. I get that much. Why repeat it though? It didn't work. Why can't we fucking go at a team like Derby? Against Birmingham, fair enough, you try it out. It doesn't work. Why the fuck do it again against a side who didn't especially threaten us nor have threatened anyone that much all year.
I really didn't get what was going on. Carey is a likely lad, he's got a touch, but he seemed to be pushed so far up he barely impacted the midfield. Play two strikers instead or let Carey actually create and use the combative midfielder you've picked to make him some space... We faffed about at the back then spooned it up to smallest lad on the pitch Owen Dale for no apparent reason loads of times.
When we move it around, who are we trying to shift it to? Wintle can pass but he's playing so deep most of the time. The wingers didn't really beat anyone and the full backs don't seem to overlap. Derby were a bit more physical up front and had a couple of moments of real quality in their passing. That was it.
Why are we so fucking cautious? Why don't we pick the best team and go toe to toe? I have nothing against Dujon. I quite like him. Jordan Gabriel though. WHY IS HE NOT PLAYING? He's good in the air, and plays that hard he's like having one and half players. Plus, he's OUR PLAYER! Fuck developing Chelsea kids for them. Gabriel leads, he sets a standard, a tempo. Dougall does the same. No one set a tempo. It was like a band with no drummer. Formless.
Here's a thing. The last few games, I've seriously wanted us to bung Big Marv up front in the last 15 minutes. I wouldn't have minded Keogh coming on up front. I am seriously, genuinely, not even in an 'wouldn't it be funny, ha ha, cos he's shit lol mad banter' way thinking we should stick Joe Nuttall on the bench cos at least he's got a bit of brawn and if he's up for it, it would be something cos we've got so little presence when super Gaz isn't playing. It's fine in theory trying to thread it to tricky little forwards, but we don't have the consistency and quality in midfield, especially not in the centre to rely on that.
When we picked a similar line up against Birmingham, I made a point of trying to work out what Critchley was doing cos he's obviously not fucking thick like Lee Clark or someone. Connelly was there to stiffen the midfield. I get that much. Why repeat it though? It didn't work. Why can't we fucking go at a team like Derby? Against Birmingham, fair enough, you try it out. It doesn't work. Why the fuck do it again against a side who didn't especially threaten us nor have threatened anyone that much all year.
I really didn't get what was going on. Carey is a likely lad, he's got a touch, but he seemed to be pushed so far up he barely impacted the midfield. Play two strikers instead or let Carey actually create and use the combative midfielder you've picked to make him some space... We faffed about at the back then spooned it up to smallest lad on the pitch Owen Dale for no apparent reason loads of times.
When we move it around, who are we trying to shift it to? Wintle can pass but he's playing so deep most of the time. The wingers didn't really beat anyone and the full backs don't seem to overlap. Derby were a bit more physical up front and had a couple of moments of real quality in their passing. That was it.
Why are we so fucking cautious? Why don't we pick the best team and go toe to toe? I have nothing against Dujon. I quite like him. Jordan Gabriel though. WHY IS HE NOT PLAYING? He's good in the air, and plays that hard he's like having one and half players. Plus, he's OUR PLAYER! Fuck developing Chelsea kids for them. Gabriel leads, he sets a standard, a tempo. Dougall does the same. No one set a tempo. It was like a band with no drummer. Formless.
Here's a thing. The last few games, I've seriously wanted us to bung Big Marv up front in the last 15 minutes. I wouldn't have minded Keogh coming on up front. I am seriously, genuinely, not even in an 'wouldn't it be funny, ha ha, cos he's shit lol mad banter' way thinking we should stick Joe Nuttall on the bench cos at least he's got a bit of brawn and if he's up for it, it would be something cos we've got so little presence when super Gaz isn't playing. It's fine in theory trying to thread it to tricky little forwards, but we don't have the consistency and quality in midfield, especially not in the centre to rely on that.
Football is hard. It's a piece of piss to be a shite blogger and write some snide shite about us being shit. We were though. We just didn't have the hunger. We didn't seem to be doing the extra yard or two that made us dangerous a few weeks ago. It's hard to escape the conclusion that we have an imbalanced squad and that we need to address that fairly sharpish. We don't have any plan B when Gary Goals is Gary Groin Strains and our options in central midfield are Kenny and Ryan or Wintle and Dougall.
Take a breath. These games happen. A bad run was always coming at some point. Maybe we've been spoiled by the early season success. Maybe we aren't as good as we thought we were. Maybe Critchley needs an ex Scotland international in the dugout at all times. Maybe this was him doing what he does, giving an idea one game too many instead of a game too few.
Maybe next week we'll play all of the wingers and fullbacks at once and win 28-0 and Jeff Stelling will be all excited about Bon Accord and Arbroath. Bowler will set them all up with inch perfect crosses and everything will be a haze of tangerine joy.
It could happen.
Take a breath. These games happen. A bad run was always coming at some point. Maybe we've been spoiled by the early season success. Maybe we aren't as good as we thought we were. Maybe Critchley needs an ex Scotland international in the dugout at all times. Maybe this was him doing what he does, giving an idea one game too many instead of a game too few.
Maybe next week we'll play all of the wingers and fullbacks at once and win 28-0 and Jeff Stelling will be all excited about Bon Accord and Arbroath. Bowler will set them all up with inch perfect crosses and everything will be a haze of tangerine joy.
It could happen.
Onwards.
utmp.
utmp.
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