Job done: the Mighty vs Millwall

I've got a theory about Millwall (correctly pronounced Miwlwawwl). I reckon that actually, they'd be happier in the shitty north with the rest of us, getting not levelled up and having no ambition or whatever it is that makes us not worthy of things like transport and street cleaning. Millwall feels like an anomaly of a club, an enclave of grim, grimey un-fashionability amidst the glass towers and radioactive investment banking fall out that has made much of the capital unlivable in unless you have the mutant Russian oligarch or psychopathic entitlement gene. 

Thus, in my plan for the future, I would propose moving Millwall (Miwlwawwl) somewhere near Doncaster, or perhaps, better still, give the club to Warrington which is a place that feels as if should have football club with a bit of reputation and yet doesn't. You might think that's daft and will imbalance the universe as well as leaving a big hole in Sarf London but I'm going to be exchanging it for Alderley Edge or some other sort of nightmarishly successful place that doesn't really fit into the North.

Everyone would feel far more at home. The Alderley Edgers could swap tips on granite kitchen worktops and lifestyle enemas with their fellow rarified types in South (formally Saaaarf) London. Meanwhile the last 132 remaining working class people in London (who all support Millwall) could just crack on in a normal place that is a bit like Millwall used to be. I bet there's eels in the Mersey or the Ship canal as well. 

If anyone from the government planning department is reading, you can contact me in the comments section. That's just the tip of the genius iceberg - I'm willing to offer further ideas for a hefty day rate. 

Talking of ideas, I'm slightly concerned the team might have a lack of them without the Lord of Finesse and King of the Unlikely and Unexpected. Yes, Josh Bowler can belt it down the wing but what will anyone else do? What if Josh is thinking of Nottingham and has one of those games where it's like his shoelaces are tied together? Will we be able to get across the halfway line? 

The team is what it is. Connelly plays in central midfield even though Critch hit Ethan up on Facetime  and told him to come home. When Ethan asked him excitedly if it meant he could play in the Championship now, Critch obviously mumbled something Ethan didn't quite hear and looked a bit shifty then pretended he had a connection issue... I'm imagining Ethan on the train up to Blackpool on the phone saying "Yeah, I get to play in Division 2 mam! That's like, nearly the Premier League! Can I tell Dad now?" - Poor ol' Ethan... CJ is playing again and whilst Dougall and Bowler are decent enough, I uncharitably think the midfield looks all a bit '8th place in league 1.'

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The opening stages are best described as 'cagey' which is a word that people who do match reports for more august journals than this one use to avoild saying 'shite'. I notice that Gary has a beard, or more of a beard than normal. I think he's normally got a bit of stubble but there's definitely more body to his facial hair. A dreadful clearance from Dujon Sterling, all wrong angles and rushing is all that really interrupts me thinking about whether this development means Madine is turning hipster. On balance, I'd be surprised if wor Gaz was into drinking Eritrean single source coffee out of recycled paper cups in a shipping crate cafe decorated with vintage film posters, but then again, pistachios have a certain cachet to them and his mam is a big Pink Floyd fan, so you never know.

Keogh step outs of defence beautifully, shrugs off a few challenges and plays a great ball to Bowler. We indulge in a lot of passing and finally Dougall has a shot charged down. That was a bit better but when the centre half has been the best attacking player, you know the game isn't that lively. Another bad clearance from Sterling. He looks like he needs to practice kicking a ball, which is a bit worrying for a player on the books of an elite football club.

Garbutt trots forward and lofts a delightful pass to put CJ in, he's not messing about, cutting inside then pulling pull back. Madine hovers but it's Bowler who hits it, he hits it hard, it takes a deflection and their keeper, who has a very long name makes a very good save. We float the resulting corner over the top of everyone. Millwall break. Keogh is racing back which is never the one on one you really want. The ball comes in and CJ has done very well to get back. It's a corner to them.

We wait for an age. The North stand and a Millwall player exchange some views. Perhaps they're chatting about tram timetables or what's on telly tonight. Finally it's in and this time it's Pool who break, Lavery racing forward and finding Bowler, who drifts between two and shoots just as he's challenged, the ball ballooning over the top. We have 2 more corners. We're doing ok here.

Then we nearly aren't as Connelly has a really lax touch and it takes a tremendous last ditch tackle from Dujon Sterling to save his blushes. Kenny 'please stop hoping he'll turn out to be a creative midfielder' Dougall stuns a nice pass though the middle, Lavery bursts on to it, goes wide into space, belts into the box and cracks a low hard shot from a tight angle that's well parried.

Millwall make a great double mistake, a loose touch is chased down by their left back who controls it before it goes out of play but then with his second touch just toe pokes it over the line. We had a little flurry of excitement before, but it's died down a bit again. The linesman keeps giving fouls for no clear reason. Bowler robs possession and feeds Dujon. The flags waves in outrage. Shayne turns his man and sprints away. Again a huffy flourish with the flag. Perhaps he's pissed off he's on the line and is making a point about how great he'd be with a whistle?

Tricky Dickie Keogh is playing really well, he makes a great challenge to deny Millwall a break. Garbutt makes a really ropey one shortly after to earn a yellow card an give them a free kick. They load the box. The ball in is loopy, it's flicked on, it falls for one of their forwards who takes it on the turn and fortunately lashes it wide.

There's a really awful 4 or 5 minute spell before half time. Mistakes abound, Connelly is lucky to get away with an unspotted handball. It dawns on me that Madine appears to be playing off Shayne. Lofting it to the little lad to flick on for the slow lad to run onto is unconventional even by Critch's creative standards.

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It's not that we've been that bad, it's just that we seem to be in second gear. Millwall look as if they're delighted to sit back and do very little and try and pounce on the break and we're sort of pawing at them unconvincingly instead of going for the throat. I'm going to whisper this as it runs against everything I've built here but...

Gary Madine hasn't had a very good first half

I'm not entirely sure what I'd do were I Critch, but it doesn't matter as Critch will obviously send the same team out as he always does. --- Wait, bless my hat! what the fuck?! Critch has made three subs! Not really. Obvs. Lol. As if. Mad Banter. Etc.

We're loads better though. Bowler goes on a mad run. Mad run is not doing it justice. It's demented. It's the kind of run that should be committed to an institution. It's absolutely fucking brilliant. It ends with Lavery having an effort deflected.

A corner swings in, It reaches Lavery who nods it down at the near post, he connects well, the goal gapes, the ball bounces and spins up, past the post. We're getting closer.

CJ is looking pretty good. A bit of confidence in him, some purpose, some decision making. He's looked dithery, panicky, he's snatched at thing this year, but the gliding upright sprinter is back as he surges down the left, knocks a good low ball across, Lavery dummies, Gaz pulls a toe poked snap shot out from under his feet, a funny little flicked stub of a finish that is going to be a goal until a Millwall player defies physics by getting a desperate touch that sends it just wide. Gary goal denied.

CJ does well again, fiddling it out from a tight spot and knocking it to Madine. If CJ does well, then wor Gaz does magic. The ball is hit to him quite hard, so he flicks it up, then brings it down with his right foot, and with his left, caresses a dream of a ball into the exact space CJ has hared into. There's no time to appreciate Gary's nonchalant magical, keepy uppy, one foot to the other feather soft touch of genius though... as the sprinter is sprinting, the sprinter is shooting, the keeper is saving but the ball is breaking for Lavery who turns and cracks it home into the bottom corner. YESSSSSSSSS!

Lavery has deserved that. We've deserved that. They make a load of subs. We just carry on. Bowler pulls a run out of the bag that is as near as I've ever seen to a football comic on a real pitch. He leaps over tackles, he changes direction, he sways and shimmies and he just keeps beating people. You can practically see it in frames with speech bubbles like 'Yikes!' and 'aaaargh' coming out of the defenders mouths.

Garbutt goes down. Fragile Luke once got injured taking a throw in. No, really, he did. He then had a period of being not as fragile as he used to be, but he seems to be fragile again. Which is sad. It's also sad that we've not got any left backs now, even though we've got millions in the squad, so Gabriel comes on and Sterling trots across to the left.

Slowly, the Millwall pressure builds. We look a bit like we've got got caught in the mud. Legs look heavier. WE stop making quick decisions and we start dithering and slicing clearances. They put a horrifying ball across the box, but somehow their forwards run past it or round it. They scoop it back from the other side and one of their many big, square muscly lads hits an absolute piledriver that looks like it might go in before one of our players risks life and limb by blocking the cannonball effort.

Mysteriously, a low flying, swirling mob of seagulls churn in the air, below the level of the stand roofs. There's a lot of them. The dusk is falling. The gloom, the birds, the tension. It all feels a bit threatening. They go down the left. It's a decent move but it's made to look all the better because no one one wants to tackle them. Even Jerry (on for Lavery) shouts at the defence to get a foot in but no one does. It's stomach churning watching everyone stand off and their lad come inside and take aim and then fire convincingly towards the corner of the net. There's the now obligatory brilliant Dan Grimshaw save though. Low, full stretch and getting a full palm on a ball that was swerving away from him. Outstanding. Again.

They break. Two players race back. One is a defender, one is Bowler. Weirdly, the defender lets Bowler track the winger into the corner. Even more weirdly, Bowler makes an awesome sliding tackle, putting player and ball over the touchline, then gets up as if he does this all the time. Yes. You read that correctly. I know! I'm as surprised as you are. He was superb today. He can't leave.
Keogh dives and heads. He sweats and points. He's been magnificent. A little island of calm in an increasingly panicky Pool backline. Pool are hacking it clear. Connelly several times could slow it down as he's in space and the ball is coming to him in a way that should be easy to handle but he just belts it away and gives it them back. Breathe! Have a look Callum! If Callum is fretful Grimshaw is calm, claiming it above his head. Getting his whole body behind it on the line. He does only what he needs to do. He's so unfussy, so simple in his technique. He really is a keeper.

Sterling is manfully doing a job at left back. He really does like defending. He's got their air of a veteran sometimes. The heavy shouldered trudge of a much older player after a tackle as he sets himself for the throw. CJ is dead on his feet. He's doing his best, but he can barely run any more. Owen Dale comes on. Dale isn't exactly a game killing type player. Come on Pool! Hold on! Millwall loft it it again. Grimshaw and Gabriel form a kind of double body human shield, throwing themselves out in front of the Millwall player as the ball drops at the far post. We survive.

The whistle blows. YES!
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It's not been vintage, but who gives a fuck? It was a good, gritty win and what pleased me most was that we turned it on in the second half and recognised the game was there for the taking and went and took it. 

There were some superb performances, even though, overall, it wasn't a superb performance. It was enough though. Bowler and Keogh played as well as they ever have in a Pool shirt and whilst I was baffled to see Sterling start, he did very well after a dodgy opening spell. We all know what our shortcomings are but we also know that there's some teams we can beat in this league, even without the creative or dominant midfielder we need. 

It was also really good to see CJ play well and do so on the left where previously, he's looked a bit ropey. He's no Keshi, but he was direct, he worked incredibly hard and he put some decent balls in. This CJ looked as if he has a place in the squad, which is probably the first time we've seen him look like that since he got injured about a year ago. Last year, we kept losing players and people kept taking their chances, CJ took his today. 

We struggled with Connelly and Dougall both wanting to do the same job and we did invite pressure at the end (when do we not?) but fuck it. We won. We deserved it. The North Stand serenaded Millwall with 'You're fucking shit' on the way out. It's the simple pleasures that make life worth living. We scored a goal and conceded none and we had some shots and everything and we didn't implode in on ourselves without Keshi. We've got the creative player we need anyway. You don't need a no 10 when you've got a no 14... 

Fulham? Who the fuck are they? We'll batter em! If they get 7, we'll get 8. 

Onward! 

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