How I accidentally became a global media influencer

The notion of influence and influencers is a really weird thing. I don't really understand why those annoyingly ebullient people with YouTube and Tiktok channels exist, nor why millions of people watch them taking shit out of boxes, talking about their headphones or putting on their blusher. They're people who aren't celebrities who pretend to be celebrities and somehow crack on and become celebrities by doing that. How does that work? I dunno. 

I've tried to influence things in my life,with limited success. I've long advocated a total revolution but no one appears to have taken much notice as yet. I've proposed that football at night should be played with glow in the dark kits, pitch lines like something from Tron and a light up ball but I'm still waiting for FIFA to get back to me on that. To be honest, more often than not, my attempts to influence my other half over what we're going to have for dinner are largely doomed to failure. 

Imagine my surprise to realise I was responsible for what was going on in marketing department of a Serie A giant. 

No, really. 

Without even trying, it genuinely appeared as if I'd inadvertently caused something to happen that literally millions of people had seen. 

You might be sceptical. I would be. But hear me out. 

The evidence: 

During summer, for reasons I can't really explain to myself, let alone anyone else, I decided to spend most of my waking hours using the Dall-e mini artificial intelligence image generator to produce pictures. New things are interesting aren't they? 

However, rather than explore the artistic potential of such a tool, or consider the social and cultural impact of something that could create visual representations of the human hive mind, I mostly typed in "Gary Madine" and then added some kind of search term. 

Cos, basically, why not? 

The results were surprisingly addictive. Seeing (possibly the worlds youngest famous) Gary rendered in different circumstances, painted by long dead masters and subject to fantastical circumstances appealed to my sense of humour (sorry) and I'm always in favour of leaving an audience wanting less, rather than more. (not sorry) 

It was done with love cos, basically wor Gaz is my favourite footballer and I'm not even arsed that having a favourite footballer makes me sound like I'm 9, not 42. Don't give a fuck. 

The above images represent only the tip of the horrific iceberg I subjected those who were not wise enough to mute me with.

One of the final images I created was of Gary Madine, in full kit, immersed up to his waist in the sea. 

The reasons for this are complex, but suffice to say, it was a 'witty' attempt to bring some levity to a depressing transfer breakdown in which a player had seemingly turned down Blackpool, at least in part because he had a pond at home. (Again, no, really) 

The worst thing about all of this is Gaz had bought chest waders for him and that lad from Oxford.

Now what is he going to do?

Mansford. This is on you. The lad likes a pond. We've got a fucking ocean. How the fuck did we not sell that? pic.twitter.com/1Q1IFMBdT2

— Jordan Thorniley's 10 Second Cameo (@cooksleft) July 28, 2022

So, there we are, now. It's 29th of July and I've put into the world a picture of a fully kitted up footballer up to his waist in the sea and that, I imagine, will be that. Onwards! Etc. It's not like anyone is paying much attention to the barrage of shite I've been subjecting twitter to is it? 

Imagine my surprise, therefore, when, checking twitter, I see that not only have my beloved Blackpool FC launched a rather dapper third kit but they've launched it by asking Gary Madine to immerse himself in the sea! Literally, the absurdist image I'd put into the public domain 5 days earlier. 

Ok. I thought. Well. That's a thing. Who knew? 

To be clear. This one is the real Gary Madine. I know it's hard to tell with deep fakes

But it didn't end there.

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery and a further 3 days layer (8 days from the original tweet) I was somewhat surprised to discover that the none other than AS Roma had issued a (frankly slightly tepid) cover version of the Blackpool kit launch video. It's shit, cos it's got no Gary Madine and the lad doesn't even put his head under the water and Rome isn't even by the sea and their kit (unlike ours with its rather natty wave symbolism) has fuck all to do with water and they used a swimming pool as well but none the less, there it was.

👀😙🎶#ASRoma | @GWijnaldum pic.twitter.com/V3z2BsMVtc

— AS Roma (@OfficialASRoma) August 5, 2022

It's basically a rip off of our video which, in turn, seemed bizarrely too close to my tweet to be a total coincidence. Like, Gary Madine goes 32 years without anyone creating any kind of visual representation of him in the sea and then it just happens twice in a week? I know we are hard wired to see coincidence in chaos, but that's a bit unlikely. 

So, it seems I'm a global influencer after all and all without even trying to be one. 

The upshot of all this? I dunno. I'm just waiting for big brands to start inundating me with offers to feature in the blog. I'll probably start a YouTube account and detail every aspect of my life. I'll start saying "hi guys" and "like and subscribe" a lot. You'll probably be able to buy lots of "merch" and to "show your love by smashing the bell" and all that type of thing. 

Alternatively, I'll just keep churning out the same old shite and hoping Gaz doesn't ever realise that I am to blame for his promotional dip in the Irish sea. Not really arsed what Wijnaldum thinks tbf. He's shite compared to the Goal Machine anyhow. 

All media enquiries and promotional opportunities to MCLF: PO BOX GM14. 

Ta. 

Fucking c'mon Pool!!!