Sideways and backwards: them lot vs the Mighty

The morning goes quite quickly. The afternoon drags. It really drags. Finally, it's over... 

I'm not being bussed in a high security convoy because I'm not traveling from the Gold Coast so I walk across Preston. Highlights include: 

This charming woodland glade, an urban garden in the midst of England's newest city (apart from Southend)

A seemingly dead tree that looks like something a witch would live in.

A bit that looks like North Korea.

Needless metalwork.

Maxi's first touch in the warm up is something to behold. Keogh is seranaded. Critch has thrown a curve ball by picking Ethan Robson because, of course he has and because of course, Kevin Stewart is injured again as are all our other players who aren't Ethan Robson.  

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The noise is tremendous. I wouldn't know their are any PNE fans here. Whatever the result on the pitch tonight, we can go home knowing one of us plays Kylie before kick off and the other one doesn't. Just saying. 

Ethan Robson prompts an early foray. Keshi hits a blinding pass that swerves like a boomerang. Finesse. Innit. 

It's cagey and even and then Dan Grimshaw gets his head kicked off. It's horrible. Grimmy lies prone for a good 10 minutes. There's always a sense of trepidation when a player doesn't get up. He lies absolutely static, still in the position he fell in until the point where he's stretchered off. It's a nice touch of class by the medical staff to stop by the stand so Grimmy can have stuff chucked at him. To be fair, mostly people applaud. 

So. Here we go again. Players back, players out. Get well soon Grimmy. 

Maxi is into the game quickly. Preston break, CJ is wandering back. Jimmy gets a touch... Does it hit the bar?  There's a nasty scramble. I think Maxwell makes a save. Everyone slides about and the ball goes wide. It might have been offside. Fucking hell... C'mon! 

We're sluggish. Nothing is sticking to Gaz. Bowler is peripheral. CJ is running into blind alleys. To be fair, PNE are doing not a lot either. 

Then they do something. Keshi goes for a foul, the ref doesn't give it. They sweep up the pitch, CJ and Kenny don't make a tackle when they might and the lad who knocked Grimmy out scores. Because of course he fucking does. Fuck off. There's the unedifying sight of a player on loan baiting the crowd to the point where the ref tells him to give over and stop being a prick. 

Fuck all else happens. We create absolutely nothing in response. 

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It's not working. 

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We don't make any changes. It continues not to work. Nothing even remotely looks like being a chance. CJ isn't even running into blind alleys any more. No one is running anywhere. We're serving up a classic dish of... Pass. Stop. Look. Pass. Stop. Look. Repeat. If in doubt. Go backwards. 

Keshi tries dribbling. Keshi is the most lively. Keshi is also looking like a man who hasn't played for months. That tells you how lively everyone else is looking. Kenny is still jet lagged. In fact, if anything, Kenny seems to have got more jet lagged than last week. Ethan Robson is mostly running around after the ball like a dog being teased. Bowler is nowhere. 

Jimmy fucking Husband is providing the most likely outlet and even then, one of his actions is to hit a cross so badly it doesn't even go vaguely towards goal. Madine tries a slide challenge. He misses completely. 

The ref livens things up by giving a goal kick in the style of a penalty to them. Oh, the japes. It must be tempting as a ref to do things like that. 

Lavery comes on. Things don't really change. PNE have a shot that hits the corner flag. Jerry comes on. Nothing much changes then either. Fucking hell Pool. C'mon. These are shite. Pull your fingers out for fuck's sake!!

We have something resembling an attacking move. Robson hacks it way over the bar at the end. It's something. 

We have a penalty shout when Lavery chases one down and their lad slides in and the ball, for all the world looks to hit his hand. Needless to say, it's not given and even if it had been, we'd probably have knocked it square and then backwards anyway. 

Matty Virtue comes on for the first time since Oxford away last year. This couldn't be a more different performance than that. Things change a little bit. Virtue finally provides a midfield presence prepared to do something other than stand in front of the defence. He leave his mark on one of their players and then walks away, his angelic choirboy air conveying innocence. He also (and get this!) runs forward with the ball a few times and is prepared to get beyond the strikers. Wow! Who knew midfielders were allowed to do such a thing. 

Connolly is clattered but the ball breaks to Bowler. Play on, advantage. Bowler shimmies and is hacked down right on the edge of the box. It's an even better free kick now. Keshi stands over it. This is the moment. He hits it well and for a split second I believe, but it glides over and the excitement dies. 

We chuck Marvin forward. We bombard the box. Iverson just catches everything. Bowler has a run from their half. They just hack him down. We bombard the box again. Iverson makes it look easy. 

The whistle goes. 

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It's hard to escape the conclusion that that was, to put it in technical football language, 'a bit crap' - the midfield was woeful and the end of the game, with Keshi dribbling aimlessly to nowhere kind of summed it up. 

Players seemed more interested in throwing their arms up at fouls not given or a pass not made than really focussing on what was happening. We really never had a spell of pressure or anything really constituting a chance. 

Our set pieces were fucking awful. I don't know where Charlie Kirk is, but I'm suspecting the rest of the lads have locked him in a cupboard for embarrassing them by being able to cross a ball over the head of the man at the front post. 

All night, we seemed static. In the last few minutes, there was a glimpse of what movement could do, but that was movement that was lacking from the rest of the game. Preston weren't even any good either. That's the frustrating thing. 

Spending 25 minutes outside Deepdale after spending 10 minutes inside Deepdale 'for my own safety' hasn't really lightened the mood either. Frankly, I'd rather take my chances with the Preston massive than have police horses walking at me in a confined space between two busses for no reason at all but there we go. 

At least the walk back allowed me to see some more highlights of Lancashire's administrative capital... 

Preston is home to some of Britain's most thought provoking street art. This piece "Pile of shit in a corner" speaks of contemporary capitalism, decaying social fabric and the artist's battle with self image.

This fine property could be yours!

Preston's retail facilities are only the most modern and up to date!

Marvin was good. Keogh was fine. Virtue did ok. We were pretty crap though. Ultimately, it's 2-1 for the season and they play Kylie so when all is said and done, we are superior and that's an undisputable fact that I've just proved with maths and science. 

Onward!