Firstly imagine Jurgen Klopp with his weird lazer eyes saying 'Ya, but this is the thing, although we always look to do the right thing, y'know, my boys, they are so careful, but what we need to do is abolish all the games with the lower leagues and then let us just play games once a veek not all the time because it's crazy! crazy! People are always saying, yes, well this is the English way and I say it's not fair because my squad only cost a few billion and other teams they have an extra billion and it's just not right you see what can I say? I am only concerned about the players you see... So we don't need to y'know play the game against Rochdale and Shrewsbury or like, Leicester cos really who are they no? What about the league of the champions huh?'
Now, be thankful that wor Neil didn't go down that road. Whatever his faults, the wee maestro likes playing football matches and has done what he needs to do to get this game on. I am glad. Some say it's a naive thing to do, a sign that Critchley has his head in the clouds, dreaming of honour and decency, I just think that usually, when you have a break and everyone is supposed to come back rested and ready, they come back rusty and shite and if we can play, fucking play. Don't be a fucking melt about it. It's just football.
Now, be thankful that wor Neil didn't go down that road. Whatever his faults, the wee maestro likes playing football matches and has done what he needs to do to get this game on. I am glad. Some say it's a naive thing to do, a sign that Critchley has his head in the clouds, dreaming of honour and decency, I just think that usually, when you have a break and everyone is supposed to come back rested and ready, they come back rusty and shite and if we can play, fucking play. Don't be a fucking melt about it. It's just football.
Bring on Bez, Joe Nuttall, Teddy Howe and Ollie Sarkic. Have 7 other players trot out then have the fab four enter the pitch from a helicopter, one by one, wearing sequined warm up jackets that will twinkle in the floodlights. Why the fuck not? Live a little. Don't be so frightened by life that you want to cancel it.
When the team comes, I'll admit, I'm a little disappointed. Whilst I didn't really expect to see Bez, there's no real novelty thrill, no Antwi, no Jack Moore and only Luke Marriette on the bench really sets the pulse racing in terms of 'players for whom tonight is a big chance.' The line up is weird. It screams 'wing backs' but there aren't any. Callum Connolly is in midfield again. I don't really get it. I'm not especially clear what else Critch was supposed to do to be fair. Our list of 'players I consider to be proper central midfielders at this level who aren't injured' reads 1) Kenny Dougall 2) That's it.
I can't see how we will get the ball to the strikers and we're playing a bang in form side with one of the best English managers of a generation* in charge of them. What could possibly go wrong? Critch walks slowly, his hands in his pockets, tamping down the divots with his foot. Control the controllables. The grass is flat. What more can he do?
*srsly tho. Look at the lad's record. Just cos he's a bit gruff and Yorkshire and worked his way up doesn't mean he's shite. We clearly need a bit of gruff experience somewhere in the set up.
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We spend the first half not quite making a clear chance and being quite thankful that they don't score with the ones they make. Grimshaw makes a couple of decent stops, they miss one that looks easier to score than slice wide. We are manful and direct and Madine wins a lot but nothing quite runs for us. Yates is a whisker away from being through. Keshi beats a couple and fails at the third hurdle. Gaz slide rules one but Jerry is just not quite quick enough to whip it round the goalie and is foiled at his feet instead. It's all so nearly and not quite. Keshi bursts onto one and gets clattered. Please God, don't let Keshi get injured too.
Sterling and Husband are weird wing backs. They're more like cudgels than rapiers, bludgeoning their way forward by force of will as opposed to twinkling toes and skill. Sterling whips it across. Husband has raced beyond the far post and throws himself at it, it flashes back across goal and Yates is about, it won't fall quite right.
*srsly tho. Look at the lad's record. Just cos he's a bit gruff and Yorkshire and worked his way up doesn't mean he's shite. We clearly need a bit of gruff experience somewhere in the set up.
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We spend the first half not quite making a clear chance and being quite thankful that they don't score with the ones they make. Grimshaw makes a couple of decent stops, they miss one that looks easier to score than slice wide. We are manful and direct and Madine wins a lot but nothing quite runs for us. Yates is a whisker away from being through. Keshi beats a couple and fails at the third hurdle. Gaz slide rules one but Jerry is just not quite quick enough to whip it round the goalie and is foiled at his feet instead. It's all so nearly and not quite. Keshi bursts onto one and gets clattered. Please God, don't let Keshi get injured too.
Sterling and Husband are weird wing backs. They're more like cudgels than rapiers, bludgeoning their way forward by force of will as opposed to twinkling toes and skill. Sterling whips it across. Husband has raced beyond the far post and throws himself at it, it flashes back across goal and Yates is about, it won't fall quite right.
The ref. What is he? He's just giving random decisions. Why do we keep getting these refs? Am I just biased? Are they that bad or just lightning rods for my ire when we're up against it? I don't know. It feels like they've been shite. Week after week. Boro poke one away. It's as clear a corner as you could ever see, but the ref knows better than everyone else in his stupid purple shirt. It's the sort of colour that only very posh people or jockeys wear. What is up with black? When I rule the world things will change.
Why do the other teams we play all seem to be bigger than us? Keogh is pushed back by one of their lads and is so powerless to do anything about it that he reminds me of someone who has realised he's left the handbrake off his car trying to wrestle the car to a stop and coming to terms with the fact the car is heavier than him but not letting go.
Grettarson is a clever player. He's playing a part in making sure we can attack by linking defence and midfield. I don't know if he's good enough as a defender or not for this level, but some of his little short passes, his awareness of space around him is terrific.
Why do the other teams we play all seem to be bigger than us? Keogh is pushed back by one of their lads and is so powerless to do anything about it that he reminds me of someone who has realised he's left the handbrake off his car trying to wrestle the car to a stop and coming to terms with the fact the car is heavier than him but not letting go.
Grettarson is a clever player. He's playing a part in making sure we can attack by linking defence and midfield. I don't know if he's good enough as a defender or not for this level, but some of his little short passes, his awareness of space around him is terrific.
Connolly is doing ok. He started off by hacking a pass out of play but also played a delightful ball through to Yates. He's not letting Boro settle and fighting for everything. He's also now making a needless and wild challenge that sees him on a yellow. Not again please Pool. C'mon!
Boro win a free kick. It's just before half time. They're going to score. They don't. They get a corner. It's even closer to half time. They're definitely going to score. The whistle goes. It's 0-0. I'll take that.
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It's been slightly odd in that they've had the better chances but I've quite enjoyed the performance we've put in. The best way I'd describe it is - we've won a lot of challenges and been quite physical, we've got ourselves into decent positions as a result but because we've got the more physical players on the pitch doing that, we've not had the technical ability to make those positions count.
In normal circumstances, hoping to keep it tight and frustrate the opposition wouldn't really be a ringing endorsement of a performance or a set up but whilst I can see Boro scoring and then scoring two more, I can also see us holding them and then letting Bowler and others into the game and nicking it.
I've enjoyed it thus far. It's an intriguing match. Finely balanced. Committed.
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We're unchanged, but we get forward better. Connelly is surprising me with his willingness to shoot in a side that looks otherwise shot shy. Husband is surprising me with his ability to get forward. Whilst he's no wing wizard we keep floating it into the left hand channel for him to win with his head. John Beck would be thoroughly approving of such a tactic.
Boro win a free kick. It's just before half time. They're going to score. They don't. They get a corner. It's even closer to half time. They're definitely going to score. The whistle goes. It's 0-0. I'll take that.
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It's been slightly odd in that they've had the better chances but I've quite enjoyed the performance we've put in. The best way I'd describe it is - we've won a lot of challenges and been quite physical, we've got ourselves into decent positions as a result but because we've got the more physical players on the pitch doing that, we've not had the technical ability to make those positions count.
In normal circumstances, hoping to keep it tight and frustrate the opposition wouldn't really be a ringing endorsement of a performance or a set up but whilst I can see Boro scoring and then scoring two more, I can also see us holding them and then letting Bowler and others into the game and nicking it.
I've enjoyed it thus far. It's an intriguing match. Finely balanced. Committed.
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We're unchanged, but we get forward better. Connelly is surprising me with his willingness to shoot in a side that looks otherwise shot shy. Husband is surprising me with his ability to get forward. Whilst he's no wing wizard we keep floating it into the left hand channel for him to win with his head. John Beck would be thoroughly approving of such a tactic.
Keshi glides out on the break, Husband races outside him, Keshi gives it, Jimmy crosses, Madine drift accross the box, he's wide, he's taken it and looped a shot back across goal, he's hit the post! That would have been a weird goal, befitting of a weird game.
Grettarson goes in for a challenge. It looks like he's tried to flick it to someone as he has been doing but not made proper contact. Boro have it now now on the edge of the box. It's slid through. Everyone is frozen, as if everyone can't quite remember what the plan is at this point. Who is supposed to deal with this? Me? You? The other guy? It's almost as if we aren't used to playing a back five. It's knocked across. Marvin and Grimshaw slide into each other in trying to stop their man turning it home, but turn it home he does. A deft finish that barely hits the net. I'm gutted. I can't see how we can come back from that.
Grettarson goes in for a challenge. It looks like he's tried to flick it to someone as he has been doing but not made proper contact. Boro have it now now on the edge of the box. It's slid through. Everyone is frozen, as if everyone can't quite remember what the plan is at this point. Who is supposed to deal with this? Me? You? The other guy? It's almost as if we aren't used to playing a back five. It's knocked across. Marvin and Grimshaw slide into each other in trying to stop their man turning it home, but turn it home he does. A deft finish that barely hits the net. I'm gutted. I can't see how we can come back from that.
It takes a little while for Critch and everyone's favourite youth club worker Mikey G to summon the subs we all know we need. Critch does a weird amount of clapping intensely, like he's broken and can't stop clapping. Sadly, clapping isn't as effective as subs. If it was, we'd be 3-1 up. He's way better at clapping than Wilder.
Bowler and Lavery finally come on and we're better straight away. Bowler finds space and uses it. Sterling seems relieved to have someone to pass to. Connelly has a shot deflected wide. Bowler whips a corner, Connelly glances and the ball glances the post... We're chucking everything (ok, mostly a makeshift defensive midfielder) at it. Marvin gets up but it's blocked. Jimmy Husband throws himself at one, but it's wide.
Time is ticking away and reality is biting. Then, Lavery chases down a sloppy touch and slams it home! YESSSSSSS! It happened in a split second. It happened out of the blue. It was the stroke of luck, the bit of fortune that has deserted us and it feels magnificent. I really didn't think it was on and it was. That's silenced the Boro fans, that was a tremendous moment. It's a fucking masterclass. A point well earned, In your face chemical industry. Fuck you Bob Mortimer. Stick your parmos where the sun doesn't shine.
But...
Husband plays it out. Mitchell takes it and.... 'for fuck's sake Demi!' - he's run into their player and lost the ball inside his own half... I have a flashback to the Demi Mitchell we signed who was, in my humble opinion one of the poorest left backs I've ever seen in a Pool shirt in terms of his defensive qualities (and I saw Scott Darton and Ben Dixon). I like the Demi who plays on the wing and grafts his arse off, I just never, ever want to see him at left back ever again. It's a freak set of circumstances that has led to him being there...
The goal is vile. We shadow their runner but without ever looking like we want to stop him. Jimmy tracks but never looks like pouncing. They slides it in and Watmore tucks it away from what seems like about an inch out. Again, he just kisses the ball and glances it home. It goes in slowly, which makes it all the more painful. They erupt. Some of them run on the pitch. We'd do the same. Lets not pretend we wouldn't. Let's not get all sanctimonious. Cos we would. It's heartbreak.
Time is ticking away and reality is biting. Then, Lavery chases down a sloppy touch and slams it home! YESSSSSSS! It happened in a split second. It happened out of the blue. It was the stroke of luck, the bit of fortune that has deserted us and it feels magnificent. I really didn't think it was on and it was. That's silenced the Boro fans, that was a tremendous moment. It's a fucking masterclass. A point well earned, In your face chemical industry. Fuck you Bob Mortimer. Stick your parmos where the sun doesn't shine.
But...
Husband plays it out. Mitchell takes it and.... 'for fuck's sake Demi!' - he's run into their player and lost the ball inside his own half... I have a flashback to the Demi Mitchell we signed who was, in my humble opinion one of the poorest left backs I've ever seen in a Pool shirt in terms of his defensive qualities (and I saw Scott Darton and Ben Dixon). I like the Demi who plays on the wing and grafts his arse off, I just never, ever want to see him at left back ever again. It's a freak set of circumstances that has led to him being there...
The goal is vile. We shadow their runner but without ever looking like we want to stop him. Jimmy tracks but never looks like pouncing. They slides it in and Watmore tucks it away from what seems like about an inch out. Again, he just kisses the ball and glances it home. It goes in slowly, which makes it all the more painful. They erupt. Some of them run on the pitch. We'd do the same. Lets not pretend we wouldn't. Let's not get all sanctimonious. Cos we would. It's heartbreak.
Pure fucking heartbreak. Again.
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It sums up the way it's going that after going away to Huddersfield and wiping the floor with them for an hour, playing lovely football, the midfielder we'd finally found a place for that allows us to play such football broke his foot.
We're then scratching around for another way to play and coming up with a plan that involves defensive full backs being key to unlocking the opposition. It's just frustrating as it kind of worked. It was really admirable the way we created pressure and played with everything we had. Anyone grumbling at players application can fuck off. Anyone grumbling that we don't quite have the quality probably has a point.
It was quite clear tonight that getting tight on Keshi was more or less all Boro really needed to do. It was also quite clear that the frequent changes of system have effected the fluency. Equally, those changes have (recently at least) been borne of necessity and whilst the goals were both horrible, the players absolutely knew what the plan was and did their best to execute it.
If this was a real crisis, you wouldn't see that. You'd see a shapeless, hopeless team. What we've got is a squad who aren't far off but are desperate for some reinforcement. We're like a runner who has run well but needs the second wind to kick in. We're like a decent enough soup but one that needs a good grinding of salt and pepper cos it's a bit tasteless.
We need a quality midfielder most of all. Do a thought experiment. Imagine Kevin Stewart had been fit all year. How many more points do we have? In my head, at least 4, maybe 6. Kev is never fit. It's no good moping after Kev. We need a new Kev as a starting point. There's no point chucking a big strop and demanding new everythings but we need that player so badly. That player would improve everyone.
Tonight was painful as any game can be. Tonight was a really engrossing game of football. Tonight showed what we don't lack (application, desire, will to overcome the odds, a plan, the ability to be flexible, Gary Madine) but it showed what we do lack as well (genuine depth of quality, creativity, cutting edge and luck)
After the match, I didn't know whether to be thankful I'd seen a cracking game, with two noisy sets of fans and experienced the horrendous, sado masochistic pain of football or to just sit in the car and have a little cry. Pain is at least a feeling I guess. At least I know I'm alive. Fuck's sake Pool!
We're not quite good enough to make the luck we need. We're not quite quick enough to react to things, not quite on the money with changes, not quite clinical enough, not quite holding on. It's not so bad but it needs some fixing. A bit of fresh paint. New batteries. It's ok saying we're close, but we're definitely not there. We'll sort it.
We'll make that luck when we do.
Onward!
